Page 120 of Okay, Cupid

“Because of Huy?”

I nod.

“Do you really love him?” Cal asks. “I mean, you’ve only known him for a month.”

“You and I both should know everything that can change over the course of a month,” I say.

“True enough.”

The waitress brings Cal his drink, and he can’t keep himself from playing with the straw, slowly pulling and pushing it back through the hole in the lid. “So what are you going to do?”

I stare at him. “What do you mean?”

“I mean exactly that. What are you going to do? About Huy?”

“What choice is there?”

“Have you erased his memory yet?”

“No.” I stare down at the melted shaved ice in my bowl. “Not yet. Leah doesn’t even know yet.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Didn’t you just?” I can’t resist, plus I need to break down whatever wall has come between Cal and me, and the sooner the better as far as I’m concerned.

“You’re not funny,” he says, pulling the straw free and chewing on the end for a bit. “But … why are you waiting? What does that gain you?”

I pause, because that is the last question I expected.

It’s a fair one too, which makes it all that harder to answer. I don’t know why I’m waiting. I don’t know what I’m hoping for. No reply ever came from Huy. I don’t know if he even read the message or if he deleted the entire thread just so the temptation to reply wouldn’t be there anymore. And if I just erased his memory, we’d all be done with this. There’d be no going back, no undoing what I’ve done.

He’d be gone.

“I don’t know if I can handle that,” I finally say.

“Losing him?”

“Him losing me.” And I know that’s the most selfish thing I could possibly say. I’m actively making both our lives worse by not doing the one thing that’s left to do. But I just can’t, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to.

“Could it be because you’re still hoping for something?”

“What is there to hope for?” I ask.

“Closure? Or maybe …”

“Maybe what?”

“Maybe you’re hoping for a fix? A secret solution.”

“Do you have one?”

Cal shakes his head. “No. I don’t.”

“I know that I have to do it,” I tell him. “There’s no other option. No matter what decision is made, he’ll forget who I am. It’s just a matter of whether or not it’s kinder to let myself forget him, or if I want to hang on to what we had.”

“You’re considering becoming human?”

I can’t lie to Cal. “Yeah. I did, at least. I thought about it for a bit.”