Page 54 of Mia

“I can’t sleep. I can barely eat or take care of myself. All I want to do is lie in bed and shut myself off from the world. I’m so fucking tired.”

She reached for my hands, and while I was hesitant, I gave them to her.

“Allow me to help you alleviate some of that.”

I nodded. “O-okay.”

She smiled. “Why don’t you all have a seat. We have some time left. I think today is just as good a time to start as any.”

Titan reached for my hand, and I slipped my palm into his. I felt cold metal against my finger and looked down to see that he had slipped my ring back on.

“I’m ready. I’m right here with you.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I guess it was now or never.

LAST WEEK WITH DR. BAXTER

Iknew I had to be at rock bottom for me to have my ass in this lady’s office with Steel. Ever since he told me about him going to therapy, I’d been thinking about it. Not just for myself, but for Mia too. In our line of work, we were private. We did and saw a lot, and nobody ever asked us how our mental was or if some of the shit we saw fucked us up. We were expected to just move the fuck on like nothing happened.

I’d taken an unsettling amount of lives.

Nothing ever really bothered me.

There was rarely a problem I couldn’t fix. But this. . . this I couldn’t fix. Not alone. I didn’t know how to get through to my wife without fighting with her about this. If I stayed away for my own mental, she took that as more blame on top of what she was already feeling and the shit I’d said. My first instinct was to be defensive with her, and she with me.

I loved that woman, but we had so much shit we had to get right.

So here I was, sitting here, trying to do my part. I’d called Kerrion up and asked him if I could come to a session with him. Being the man he was, he didn’t hesitate to check with his therapist, and when she said yes, he gave me a time. I got to this bitch before him so I could talk myself into following through.

Dr. Baxter seemed nice enough.

The major surprise here was the fact that she was a friend of Senior’s and part of a similar organization many years ago. That made me comfortable because I didn’t have to censor shit. I could tell her everything because she knew what was going on.

“Tell me what brings you in, Titan,” she said, crossing her legs.

“My um. . . my wife and I recently lost our first child.”

She gasped. “I’m so sorry to hear that. My condolences to you both.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m sure that’s been a tough time.”

“The hardest shit I’ve ever fucking been through, man. Trying to be there for her but still having resentment and shit has ruined us. Honestly, we have never been great, but this shit just killed it.”

“You care to elaborate?”

I sighed and told her the story of everything that had happened in Paris and since we’d been home. As she listened, I watched to see if her expressions changed or for some sign of judgement, but I didn’t find it. I mean, shit, she was an assassin too. She couldn’t judge me about shit.

“I see you hold an immense amount of guilt over the loss of your daughter,” she observed.

“The shit is killing me, man. I don’t know how to forgive myself or her for this.”

“Forgiveness starts with acknowledgement. I know this is an unfortunate turn of events, and I am so sorry for your loss. I know it seems easy to place blame, but that is part of the grieving process. Unfortunately, we don’t skip steps most of the time. You’ll go through the denial, the anger, the bargaining, the depression, and finally the acceptance.

“You won’t always go through them in order. Sometimes you’ll revisit certain stages. Acceptance has to be the end stage where you can move forward, even without forgetting. I will say this, sometimes it makes or breaks a relationship. Some people come together in their time of grief, while others may fall apart.”