Page 53 of Mia

He raised his hands in surrender. “Mia, I love you. I don’t like this space we’re in. Losing Eden⁠—”

“Stop!”

“No!” He yelled. “We have to face it. We lost her. She’s gone, and she’s not coming back. She wouldn’t have wanted us to be like this. Look at what her death is doing to you. I’m fucking scared somebody is gonna walk in that house one day, and you’re gone too.”

“Maybe that would be best! I’m the reason…” I covered my mouth to stifle a screaming cry. “I’m the reason our baby is dead. It’s enough that I know that, but you blame me too. How am I supposed to live with that?”

The tears were falling full force. My chest felt tight, and my knees felt weak. It was the same feeling I had at Eden’s funeral. I was trying my hardest to breathe through it, but it wasn’t working. I felt Titan’s arms come around me, pulling me tightly into his chest.

“I got you. I’m right here.”

At first, I just stood here, crying, with my arms at my sides. I didn’t want to need him. I hated I needed him, but in his arms, I felt safe. When he hugged me tighter, I fell apart. I wrapped my arms around him and clung to him like my life depended on it, because it did.

“I wanted her,” I cried.

“I know, baby. I wanted her too.”

“I don’t deserve to live when she had to die.”

Titan pulled back and cupped my face. “Don’t say that shit. What am I gonna do without you? We can have another baby, but I can’t get another you. I love you, Mia. We won’t ever forget Eden, but we can’t let her death be the death of us too. This shit is hard for both of us. It’s unfair. It’s fucking cruel. But she was created in love. We’re gonna carry her for the rest of our lives.”

He placed a soft kiss to my lips and swiped at my tears.

“I’m sorry I came at you the way I did the last time we spoke. I just… I’ve been so fucking angry. I was looking for somebody to blame, and you were the easiest target.”

I sniffled. “That’s fair.”

“No, it’s not. No matter what we’re feeling, I’m your husband and you’re my wife. I don’t wanna talk to you like a bitch on the street, and I don’t want you talking to me like any old nigga. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He leaned in and kissed me again.

“This is good,” Dr. Baxter said, stepping over to us. “You’re both listening to understand, not to respond. Titan told me it’s one of your biggest problems. Sometimes we have to hear the hard things out loud, no matter how much it hurts. If you can’t be vulnerable with anybody else, you should be able to be vulnerable with your spouse. It’s hard work, believe me, I know this. But you two are a team. It only works if you are on the same side.”

She looked from me to Titan and smiled.

“I can tell there’s a lot of love between you two. Titan told me a bit of your backstory, so I understand why it may be hard for you to let him in at your most vulnerable state. Grief is a state of mind and a state of being. Sometimes it brings out the ugliest side of ourselves. It’s a process. Sometimes it presents itself on a daily basis. Other times, it’s a random moment that takes you back to it. There are no rules to mourning a significant loss. There is no time limit.”

“I feel like I’m being rushed to forget about my daughter,” I said.

She shook her head. “No, sweetheart. The concern is for your well-being. Your husband stated he’s afraid that someone will walk in one day and find you gone. Your brother has shared that he’s afraid that your grief will spiral out of control. No one is telling you that you can’t cry or feel sadness in your loss. They simply don’t want to lose you too.”

“I can handle a lot, but I can’t handle that,” Kerrion said. “You don’t have to numb your feelings. You don’t have to hide them or be afraid to cry about it. I just don’t want this grief to consume you the way it did Ms. Anita. I’ll never pretend to know what it feels like to lose a child, especially in a traumatic way. The family just wants to be there for you, baby.”

I nodded my head as I wiped my eyes. “I know. I promise, I’m trying. I just don’t have it in me right now.”

“We can take baby steps,” Dr. Baxter said. “If you allow me, I would love the chance to help you both.”

I looked at Titan, and he looked at me. It was already big of him to come to one session. This was a man who didn’t like anybody in too much of his business. He prided himself on having control and taking care of business. This was beyond him. It wasn’t a problem he could easily fix. Even when JacQues was dead, the damage was already done.

“What do you want to do?” he asked me.

“I… I’ll try. I don’t want to keep feeling like this and I don’t know how to help myself.”

“Taking this step is helping yourself,” Dr. Baxter said. “You have to do the work, I’m just here to guide you through your healing. I know you have to be tired, Mia. A mother carrying the weight of losing a child she carried has to be exhausting.”

Tears streamed down my face as I stared at her.