“Oh my god, girl!” Piper shrieks.
“Thin. Walls. Thin.”
“Oh my god,” Piper whispers. “You’re dickmatized.”
“I’m what?”
“You got that D and you’re doing anything to keep it! I can’t believe you finally did it!”
My face is hot, either from humiliation or the memory of my face in Graham’s crotch.
“No! Of course not.”
“Why not? What’s the point of getting kidnapped if he won’t even grab your hair, throw you down on the floor, and hit that?” Piper throws up her hands.
“I told you—he thinks I’m gross. He’s a gentleman kidnapper.”
“Hence the free condo offer. But you want to hit that.” Piper puts her hands under her chin. “I’m trying to find a logical explanation here.”
“But at least now I can take him to the engagement party.”
“Screw Colette—you could hire a starving actor with your payout. Shit, you could just find a hobosexual and let him move into the storage unit that always comes with a fancy condo. That we would be living in. Right now. Where’s your phone?” Another roll of toilet paper is beamed at my head. “You need to call that joker back and tell him you came to your senses.”
My mom’s voice calls from the other side of the door. “Dani, do you have the first one on?”
“Coming, Mom.” To Piper, I whisper, “I can’t tell my mom that he broke up with me. I will literally never hear the end of it.”
The bathroom door bangs open. I long for my private en suite bath in Graham’s penthouse.
“Are you showing Piper dick pics?” Gran demands. “I lied to your mother about whose peanut M&Ms those were in the couch. I did you a solid—help a homegirl out.”
“You have dick pics?” Piper perks up.
“No—no manhood pictures.”
“Please don’t ever use that word again.”
“I can’t use that… other word.” I hurry out into the kitchen.
My mother sighs in disappointment and taps her chin with a freshly manicured finger.
I grasp my hands behind my back, hiding my nail-bitten fingers.
Mom sighs again. “Well, with a chest like yours, no dress is going to hang correctly. Though I guess it will do. Go try on the floral one.”
“You didn’t buy that one, did you, Aunt Linda?” Piper says with a grimace. “I don’t really think it’s going to work with her skin tone.”
“It’s not going to work with her anything.” Gran pulls out the dress, which looks like an ’80s curtain made into a flour sack.
“She needs something to disguise…” My mom waves at me. “Let’s all just hope Graham has enough sense not to wear a light-gray suit on Tuesday.”
“You will not believe what I found at Costco today!” Dad calls from the foyer.
Lulu rushes to him, barking happily.
Dad comes in loaded with shopping bags. “Aw, Beans,” he says to me. “Did you and your mom go to one of those fancy stores? Those places jack up the prices, and the quality’s not there at all. I thought you were my Costco girl.”
“She’s dating a billionaire.” Mom kisses his cheek. “She can’t go out in those Costco garments you keep purchasing for her, Hank.”
