“Not just dating—he’s head over heels in love with her.” Gran beams at me.
“I don’t really think—”
“Well, good thing I went shopping.” Dad is proud. “Beans,” he says to me, “you should have seen the deal I got on condoms. Costco really does have it all, and compared to what you spend at the bodegas, this is a great deal.”
He hands me a heavy box the size of a small refrigerator. “Ribbed for her pleasure” is emblazoned in bright orange on the side.
“It’s a variety pack,” he’s telling me as I wonder what my chances of getting kidnapped off the street in broad daylight were.
“Dad...”
“Look at these, Beans.” My dad holds up a pair of socks. “They’re pink—your favorite color—and they have little Lulus on them. You can wear them to work. It’s cold out.”
“She’s not wearing those. What will Graham think?” Mom bats the socks out of his hands.
“He’ll think she likes to keep her feet warm.”
“You need to buy her some lingerie the next time you’re at Costco,” Gran tells him. “My friend Betty has some from there—said it was a good price and her new boyfriend can’t keep his hands off of her. He’s forty-two, can you believe? I need to get me a hot young boyfriend.”
Yeah, I definitely need to be rekidnapped. I don’t know why I was in such a hurry to leave.
“And I didn’t forget about you, Lulu—no, I didn’t!” Dad coos at the dog.
“Honey, these are a new type of dog treat,” he tells me. “I’m going to give Lulu one and see how she does. And you know, I was looking online and several people in my Facebook group recommended these little baggies to put your used feminine products in—they say dogs can’t get to them.”
“Dad, what did you post on Facebook?” I panic.
“Just on my Facebook group,” Dad assures me.
“Nope,” Piper says. “He posted it to his public page.”
“And the pièce de résistance…” Dad says with a flourish, and pulls out—
“Dad, no—”
“They will print posters for you and frame them,” he says happily, as he holds up the giant framed poster of Graham Richmond’s company headshot.
“Dani, I don’t see why you couldn’t get a nice photo of you and Graham at brunch. You have to get a nice photo on Tuesday for me. Make sure they get a photo, Piper.”
“No one wants their picture taken in a used garbage sack, Linda,” Gran states flatly.
“Mom!”
“Oh, look who’s here!” My mom rushes to hug my brother. “Look at my handsome baby.” She smooths Jeremy’s hair.
Yeah, it’s not just my mom’s codependency. Jeremy, annoyingly, was gifted with all the attractive genes. All of them. Very fit and athletic—played football in college. He didn’t even need braces.
That’s all he did, so of course my parents made sure he failed upward.
“Dad.” He lies down on the couch and yawns loudly. “Stone and Ty want to go to the Maldives next weekend.”
“Do you need money, sweetie?” Mom asks him as she hurries to put a plate of food together for him.
He leans back and flashes her a brilliant smile. “Well, I wasn’t going to ask…”
“Of course! Use the credit card. Guys your age should be out there having fun! It’s important to network,” Dad tells him, fishing for his wallet. He ruffles my brother’s thick, wavy chestnut hair.
“He might be the mailman’s kid with those looks,” Dad jokes, “but if he is, I’ll keep him anyway, because isn’t he just amazing?”
