Gran had the foresight to buy this apartment way back in the ’60s and keep it in the family. It’s the only way my family’s been able to keep up with the Upper East Side Joneses since my dad’s trust fund payments aren’t that much.
I bang my hip on the pedestal sink in the 1930s bathroom as I shimmy into an oatmeal-colored midi dress with flounce sleeves.
The bathroom door bursts open.
“Oh my god, I told your mom not to buy that. You look like a cannoli.” Piper slaps my arm. “Also, you’ve been secretly dating a billionaire and you didn’t tell me? I thought I was your favorite cousin!”
“I haven’t been secretly dating him.” I make air quotes. “I just met him Friday night.”
“But where were you—in the office? Wait, he’s not a client, is he? Isn’t that against the employee handbook?”
“I thought you didn’t care about the employee handbook. You said it was bullshit.”
“Yeah, it is bullshit. But you believe in it.”
“He’s not a client...” I chew my lip.
“You’re hiding something. Tell me. How did you meet a billionaire on Friday?” Piper demands. “Ooh, was it a meet-cute at that pizza place? You need to stop eating there—I think it’s a mob front.”
“No, that’s not where I met him.”
“He wasn’t online, was he? You know how your mom feels about online dating. Unless you were on one of those fancy dating sites—and if so, you need to get me on the invite list.”
“No, he… He…” I trail off. “Okay, look, you have to promise not to be mad or scream, but he…” I lick my lips. “He kidnapped me.”
Piper just looks confused.
“Off the street? Is this like a weird kink thing? This isn’t like that time you thought you got pregnant because you sat on a wet toilet seat, is it?”
“No—he literally kidnapped me. I was walking home, and he just, like, grabbed me off the street and stuffed me in his car.” I wave my arms. “Then he took me to his penthouse and made me take off all my clothes, then he locked me in his closet, then we went to brunch with his family, and he made me pretend to be his girlfriend.”
Piper is silent for a moment as I take deep, gulping breaths, because when you spell it all out like that, it does sound unhinged.
“Are you… doing… okay?” Piper asks slowly. “I mean, look, I know your family has some weird hang-ups about sex that have led to, you know, your current situation, but it’s totally fine if you just, like, saw a guy you liked on the street and told him, ‘Hey, I want to come back to your place and hit that.’ You don’t need tomake up a whole kidnapping story. I’m not going to think you’re a slut or anything.”
“I swear to god it’s true! It’s not like that time I was sure our gym teacher was stalking me, but he was just trying to get me kicked off the volleyball team because I was making us lose games. He did kidnap me.”
“Then why aren’t you still kidnapped?”
“Because…” I tell her helplessly.Because he thought I was revolting, but that’s too painful to say out loud. “Because he realized he made a mistake and is very sorry and offered me twenty million dollars and a condo to pretend like it never happened. Obviously I said no because— Ow!”
Piper throws a roll of toilet paper at me.
“Okay, now that I do believe. What the hell do you mean you turned down twenty million?”
“Actually, his final offer was twenty-five million.”
“And a condo! What is wrong with you?!”
“Piper, shh! Mom’s going to hear.”
“She needs to hear! Why didn’t you take the offer?”
“Everyone thinks I’m dating him. I can’t just be like, ‘Psych, I’m not—we broke up.’”
“Yeah, you can, if you do it from your fancy condo sitting on top of a pile of money. What about me, Dani? I live with your parents too. We could be single girls in the city. We’re running out of time to be young and pretty in New York. We’re going to rot here in your parents’ house.” Piper shakes me. “We could have each had our own bathrooms.”
“I know, but I need a boyfriend.”
