Asher’s only response was an incoherent grumble.
“I hate it,” Ash said after a few quiet minutes.
“Hate what?” I asked, walking my fingers up his arm.
“Being jealous.”
“Jealousy gets a bad rep as an emotion because it can make us do some pretty fucked-up shit. But jealousy just means that we value something or someone. If we can recognize that, sometimes just putting a name to the emotion helps us overcome it. If you know you’re feeling jealous, you can acknowledge that it’s because you care, and then you can try to move on from that emotion.”
I could feel both Asher’s and Jax’s eyes on me. Confusion stared back at me and I shrugged. “I’ve been to a lot of therapy.”
“Therapy?” Asher asked.
“Yeah. Turns out, it can fuck you up when your whole family rejects you.”
“Lukas talked about that in his book. Not you specifically, just that it’s how a lot of young guys get preyed on. Because they’re rejected by their family and looking for that kind of safety and community that they lost. It helped me kind of understand why he made me wait so long before agreeing to let me do a shoot.”
“Lukas only ever had your best interests in mind,” Jax said, stroking his fingers through Asher’s hair.
“I just feel so dumb, you know? All this time, I had these ideas in my head about how to make Lukas notice me. And it wasn’t that he didn’t notice me, it was just… right from the jump I was slotted into the little brother category.”
Though I understood that Asher was hung up on Lukas, and I’d known that before showing up here, before anything had happened between us, it stung to lie there and listen to him lick his wounds about Lukas. The fact was that I’d broken my rules, and now I was starting to feel like that might have been a mistake.
Asher and Jax continued talking, but my brain blocked out the words. They were white noise in the background of my existential crisis. In the moment, it hadn’t felt at all like I was breaking my rules, which was why I’d gone through with it. I’d trusted Jax and Asher, but now, lying here listening to Asher’s ongoing heartache about Lukas made me want to hurl.
Some little part of me had read too much into the chemistry that continued to sizzle between us. Even now, there was a call for me to touch him. Kiss him. Cradle his face in my hands and caress him.
“I think I’m going to go.” I sat up and disentangled myself from Jax and Asher.
“Go? You’re leaving?” Asher asked, sounding as confused as he looked. “We’ve barely touched the snacks yet. Or the wine.”
“Everything okay, Blue?” Jax asked as I searched the floor for my clothes.
“I’m fine.” My answer came automatically. Suddenly, I couldn’t look at either one of them. Rejection had me shaking on the inside as I battled with my body to remain outwardly calm.
“That’s bullshit,” Jax said, climbing out of bed as I slid into my pants and yanked them up. “Talk to me, Blue.”
Jax followed me out of the bedroom and into the living room where I found my discarded shirt. He’d somehow managed to slip into his basketball shorts again, but he was still shirtless.
“I have to go,” I told him, heading for the door. Jax, though, was taller and faster and he blocked my path.
“Blue, talk to me.”
I forced my gaze up to his face, intending to look him in the eyes and prove that nothing was wrong, but the look on his face gutted me.
“I’m so sorry,” Jax blurted, panicking a little. “You broke your rules. I never should have asked you to do that. It was selfish, and now you’re hurt and it’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault. I knew what I was doing. I really need to go.” I stared at Jax, inwardly torn as to whether or not I wanted him to keep blocking my path or get the fuck out of my way. The heart was a fickle master.
“Blue…”
“Let him go, Jax.”
I turned my head at the sound of Asher’s voice. He sounded small and sad—and rejected. The way I felt. I almost wanted to stay and soothe his wounds. I was hurt because of his feelings for Lukas, and now he was hurt because I was hurt. It was a stupid cycle of exactly the kind of shit I’d worked so hard to avoid.
“I’m going to call you, Blue, and we’re going to talk about this,” Jax stated before he stepped aside.
I had no doubt that he was going to try.
