With my hand on the doorknob, I paused. “Look after him,” I said, ignoring Jax’s response, though it would ring in my ears for hours to come.
“Who’s going to look after you?”
The answer was the same as it always was.
I’d look after myself.
TWENTY-ONE
ASHER
I’d.Fucked. Up.
Somewhere between the cum shot and Blue leaving, I’d fucked up. Blue took off out of here so suddenly I could still feel his fingers tangled with mine and the press of his lips against my knuckles.
Every step Blue had taken away from me felt like a brick wall slamming down between us. And when he left looking like a kicked puppy, he wasn’t the only one hurt. Blue’s swift departure had left Jax standing alone by the door while I lurked in the hallway, my blanket wrapped around me like modesty was important when I was covered in drying cum.
“I think I fucked up,” I whispered, still not ready to admit where I’d gone wrong.
Jax deflated. His shoulders slumped forward, and he buried his hands in his hair. Then he dropped into a crouch and took a deep breath.
“Jax?”
“Don’t.”
“Jax, I’m sorry.”
“I said don’t, Asher.” Jax took another breath, and for a second I thought he might sit on the floor, but then he straightened up to his full height.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.”
Jax’s lips flattened into a thin line and his nostrils flared. For the second time in one day, I’d managed to be an epic fuckup.
“I think you know what happened. And, honestly, I’m more mad at myself than I am at you. I’m older. I should know better by now.” Jax’s eyes searched the room until he discovered his discarded shirt. He wouldn’t meet my gaze as he went to it and pulled it on.
“What does that mean? You’re older and you know better?” I hugged my arms tighter to my chest, clutching the blanket like it was a lifeline.
“It means exactly what it sounds like. I’m old enough to know that you were hurting about Lukas and needed an outlet for your hurt feelings. Even if I think you’re not really in love with him, that’s neither here nor there. The point is that I’ve known Blue for a long time, and today I put myself in a situation that made me partly responsible for hurting him. Something I swore to myself I’d never, ever do.”
Oh, wow. I was a bigger idiot than I thought. Jax had a thing for Blue. Lukas had Sawyer and Jax wanted Blue, and neither of them really wanted me.
“I’m sorry,” I said again, my voice cracking, not that Jax cared.
“I believe that you’re sorry, Asher. But sorry doesn’t fix what we broke today. Sorry doesn’t unmake mistakes.”
Jax shoved his feet into his shoes and then turned his attention back to me. Jaw set, eyes flickering between anger and sadness. I hated myself more than I’d ever hated myself. All I’ddone lately was step from one colossal mess into another. If it were just me I was affecting, I’d have minded, but not as much. Nothing was worse than seeing the look on Blue’s face when he left. Except maybe the look on Jax’s as he stood there, staring at me like he was trying to figure out what the fuck he’d been doing with me in the first place.
The fact was that I was a mistake.
“Jax, wait.” I shuffled across the floor, the stupid blanket tangling around my legs. The awful truth was that my only friends were Lukas and people who worked for him. My social circle was small. People I used to talk to before Leo died had trickled out of my life one by one. Grief had taken up a lot of space, and some people felt like it hadn’t left room for them.
Jax waited, but I didn’t know what to say. I’d fucked up again. Sex hadn’t been the answer. Or maybe it had, but I’d been asking the wrong question. Or maybe I was just a bad person, too wrapped up in myself to notice what I was doing to the people around me.
“I’ll find a way to make it right with you. And with Blue. I promise.”
Jax nodded, but he didn’t look like he had a whole lot of faith in me. And then I watched him walk out the door. The quiet click of the latch made me flinch like a gunshot had rung out.
My apartment was suddenly too quiet, and I hated it. I hated being alone. I hated how fucking lonely Leo had left me, but it wasn’t entirely his fault this time. I’d been the one to screw up with Lukas, and Sawyer, and then Jax and Blue.
