“We never did finish watching our scene,” I said, making Jax laugh.
“I think if we tried to watch it, we’d end up right back here,” he said, dropping a kiss on Asher’s head.
“I’m not against that.” Asher wriggled around to get more comfortable, tugging me closer before he settled in again, heaving a sigh as he closed his eyes.
Reaching for him, I traced my fingertips over his brow, smoothing out the worry lines. “What’s wrong?”
“What makes you think something is wrong?” Asher’s eyes popped open, and there was an edge to his voice that gave away the fact that he was torn up inside.
“Ashy,” I crooned. Lacing my fingers with his, I dragged his hand to me and dusted kisses across his knuckles. His fingertips. “What’s wrong?” I asked again.
Ash tried to squirm away, but Jax held him tight. “We just want to help,” Jax said, but then he paused. “But if you’re not ready to talk, we can hang out.”
“Suddenly regretting asking you to stay,” Ash said without meaning the words, then he sighed again. “Would it shock you to know that, once again, I fucked up where Lukas is concerned?”
“Did you try to kiss him again?” Jax asked, partly joking, partly serious probably. It wouldn’t be the biggest shock in the world.
“Worse. I ran into Sawyer, the guy he’s been seeing, and I was such an asshole to him.” Asher groaned. “I just saw him and my brain was, like, fuck that guy. So I went up to him in this little coffee shop where he was trying to work, and I said stupid shit to him. I was hateful, and all I did was make myself look like a jerk. And then he was nice about it. Well, nicer than I would’ve been, and he basically told me I had to go tell Lukas what I did.”
“Oof. How did that go?” I held tight to Ash’s hand so he couldn’t pull away from me. He looked so fucking lost and hurt and ashamed that all I wanted to do was wrap him up in my arms and protect him. I wanted him to feel as safe with me as I did with him and Jax.
Ash rolled his eyes. “Lukas is a saint. Of course. He was mad or like… not mad but disappointed. Which is fucking worse. Did you guys know he’s writing a book? Well, he’s not, that Sawyer guy is. It’s his memoir or something. It’s how they met.”
“He’s wanted to tackle that for a long time. I’m glad he finally got going on it,” Jax said.
“A memoir?” That part confused me. I wasn’t ashamed of what I did for a living by any stretch of the imagination, but I couldn’t fathom inviting people into the details of my life. Thehow and the why and the where. The hurt and the ache. My experiences were mine alone. They belonged to me and if that made me greedy, I was okay with that.
“It’s really fucking sad, you know. Which made me feel even worse for being a shit to Sawyer. And, like, Lukas has been through some shit, and now he’s got me running around making life hard.”
“You don’t make his life hard. That’s literally the opposite of your job.”
“I’ve made a mess of things lately.” Ash pulled the blankets up and tried to hide beneath them, but Jax was there to push them down off Ash’s face.
“Everyone is messy sometimes, Ash. But your mess doesn’t change how Lukas feels about you. You’re still important to him.”
He scoffed and I squeezed his hand. I wanted to tell him he was important to us too, but the words wouldn’t crawl up out of my throat. That felt too clingy. Like it was too much, too fast. It was the kind of thing I’d said before that would send people running in the opposite direction.
If someone was so inclined, they could probably trace my issues back to my family and the way I was raised in a loving home until they found out that I was gay. After that, my loving home became my worst nightmare. Maybe that was the reason I was so needy, so quick to fall for people. I’d chased more than one person away with declarations like Icare for you. Andyou’re important to me. Not everyone wanted to be important to other people. Or maybe they didn’t want to be important to me specifically. Whatever the reason, it made me keep my words to myself.
“He let me read his book. What’s finished of it anyway.”
“See, he wanted to prove that he cares for you. Maybe not in the way you wanted, but it’s something… right?” Jax said, tryinghis best to be reassuring, but I could see the look of misery and defeat on Ash’s face where Jax couldn’t.
“He wanted me to understand why he’d never love me the way I loved him. He wanted to show me all the shit he’s been through and the people who took advantage of him, and why my feelings for him make him uncomfortable as fuck.”
“Did he say that?” My brow furrowed when I asked the question.
“Not in so many words,” Ash replied with a pout. “But I can read between the lines, you know.”
“Was the book good at least?”
“Jax!” I gasped. “What kind of a question is that?”
“An honest one? I mean, he’s hired someone to write a whole-ass book about his life. I’m just curious how it’s going.”
“It’s good. And not just because it’s Lukas’s life. The writing is good. Which makes me want to hate Sawyer even more.”
“Someone’s jealous.” Jax whispered, dragging a hand up and down Asher’s back.
