‘I know you will! That’s the problem!’
She sank down into one of the leather armchairs, her head in her hands. ‘You are the loveliest man in the world, Satoshi.’
My legs would no longer hold me, so I surrendered, letting them fold beneath me, melting to my knees before her. ‘I don’t understand what’s wrong, Fiona,’ I whispered, curling my fingers around her wrists. ‘I don’t know how to fix it.’
She was weeping, breath coming in hitches and hiccups. ‘The loveliest, kindest man in the world. Which is saying a lot, considering what my brothers have done for me.’
‘What?’ The fog was rolling in thicker, the words not cohering into meaning.
‘Every time I need you, you’re there. Everything I ask, you do. No questions asked. No complaints, not once.’
‘Because I—’ The tannins were back in my mouth, my tongue thick and heavy. ‘I adore you, Fiona.’
‘I’ll never be able to repay you for what you’ve done for me.’ She caressed my cheek, and I leaned into her hand, the way Yquem always did for Isamu. ‘You put me back together. You made me feel like myself again.’
No one had ever had as much power over another person as Fiona Fisher did over me in that moment. I pressed my forehead against her knees, begging, worshipping, unable to find a single word that wasn’tplease.
She was crying in earnest now. ‘I adore you too, Satoshi,’ she said. ‘Why is why I – I can’t be selfish anymore.’
‘No,’ was all I could say. ‘Fiona, no.’
‘You are the best person I’ve ever met.’ Her hands were in my hair, her forehead resting against the back of my head as she curled over me. ‘But the longer we let this go, the harder it’s going to be.’
‘No.’ There was only one word left now, in the fog, grey rot beneath my skin, sucking the life out of me. ‘No.’
‘It’s for the best, I promise.’ Her breath was coming in gulps and hiccups. ‘For us both. The longer it goes, the harder it will be for me when it ends. And the longer it goes, the harder it’s going to be for you to leave.’
‘No.’ It took a gargantuan effort to lift my head, to look at her.
‘You’re too kind, Satoshi. Too soft-hearted. You’re going to – you’re going to – the more this goes on, you’re going to feel obligated.’
She kissed me, the salt of her tears on her lips. ‘And I think – I think I’ve known it all along,’ she whispered. ‘That’s why it had to be a secret – because when people find out, you’ll be trapped. You’re not like Matt. You’re too kind to ever walk away from me.’
‘But I promised,’ I managed to force out. ‘Before – Ipromised.’
‘I know.’ She kissed me again. ‘But I know you, Satoshi. You won’t be able to bring yourself to do it to me. To do it to the kids. You’ll stay, even if you don’t want to, because we’ll – I’ll – have come to rely on you. And you – you’re too good to make me look like a joke again.’
‘No.’ I was three years old, incoherently wailing in a cloudy vineyard in Alsace. ‘No, Fiona.’
‘You deserve the world.’ She was choking on the words. ‘And I – I can’t give it to you. So I’d – I’d rather end it now, and have it hurt like hell, than for me to ruin your life and for you to end up hating me.’
‘No.’ I framed her face in my hands, made her look at me. ‘Fiona, I love you.’
I’d imagined a thousand different versions of her reaction to those words, from her fleeing in horror to flinging herself into my arms, but instead, she just shook her head, tears streaming down her face.
‘Iloveyou,’ I said again.
I took her hands in mine, clasping her fingers tight. If she pulled away, I was going to fall from the top of this building, into the cold cloud of the fog.
‘I know I’m not who you envisioned spending your life with.’ Sheer desperation forced the words past the thick grey mould coating my throat. ‘I know I’m younger than you, and you don’t think I’m ready, and I know – I know you might not be ready either, to take me as seriously as I take you.’
‘Satoshi—’
‘But I can be what you need, Fiona, if you’ll just let me.’ The world was a blur around me now, and I was so tired, every bone in my body heavy, pulling me down into the earth, but I made myself look her in the eye. ‘Please, please, don’t push me away.’
She didn’t say anything.
‘I love you,’ I said.
