Another moment’s silence, then, ‘I can’t let you,’ she said softly.
This time, in the quiet and the still, I could hear my heart, which had been breaking little by little, shatter all at once.
‘This time with you has been perfect. But it’s been a fantasy, Satoshi. A honeymoon. And it can’t last forever.’
Please let me try,I tried to say, but the words would not come out. There was a roaring in my ears, and no breath left in my lungs.
Fiona let go of my hands, cupping my face in hers so she could kiss me. ‘I never should have taken advantage of your generosity,’ she whispered. ‘I never should have asked the things of you that I’ve asked. I’m so sorry I’ve made you feel like this – that I’ve made you hurt like this – but I promise, it’s for the – Satoshi?’
I could barely hear her through the fog.
‘Satoshi?’ The ground had risen up to meet me, and something was warm beneath my cheek. Her hand? Her lap? ‘Oh my god, Satoshi, please—’
A rattle from the concertina doors. ‘Fiona, it’s time for your – Sato!’
Strong arms lifting me up, my head lolling against a hard shoulder. ‘What happened?’ Isamu demanded.
‘I don’t know!’ Fiona said. ‘We were talking, and he just fainted!’
‘Onisan,’ I managed to groan.
‘It’s okay, Sato, I’ve got you.’ I could feel the vibrations through my brother’s chest as he spoke Japanese to me, his arm an iron band beneath my upper back, two fingers searching urgently for mypulse, relaxing when they found it. ‘You’re having a panic attack, I think. Try and breathe. What did you say to him?’
Fiona’s voice sounded like it was coming from underwater. ‘I – I—’
‘Spit it out. He hasn’t had a panic attack in years. What did you do to him?’
‘I – I – I—’
A growl, coming from somewhere deep in him. ‘You broke his heart, didn’t you?’
Her intake of breath was sharp and sudden. ‘How did you—’
‘Everyone in the fucking world knows he’s in love with you, Fiona! Now—’
The rest of the sentence faded away as the fog swallowed me up.
Chapter NineteenFiona
Tasting today: water.
Eventually, the party is over, and you need to be sensible again.
I ran.
I ran the way I had the night Matt told me about Laura, not thinking, only feeling, my racing heart the only thing faster than my feet. I ran from the library, from the crumpled form of the beautiful man on the floor, from his brother looking me in the eye and snarling,Everyone in the fucking world knows he’s love with you, Fiona, now get out.
I ran from the way he’d gone sheet-white, the way he’d pressed his face into my knees, clutched so tight at my fingers it felt like they might break. I ran from the awful, horrible moment his eyes had glassed over and he’d slumped sideways, and I ran from the words he’d said before it happened.
I love you.
The heavy front door thumped closed behind me, shutting the merry chatter of the reception away. It was quiet in the carpark, and I bent down, putting my hands on my knees and trying to get some air into my lungs.
Some animal instinct was telling me to get into my car and drive. To not stop until I got to Tsundoku, that one constant, thatone safe, stable place. To rap on the door until Satoshi answered, until he put his arms around me and held me close and whispered into my hair that it was all right, that he had me.
But he wouldn’t be there. Because he was inside, on the floor, and – oh god oh god oh god.
I squeezed my eyes tight shut. ‘You did the right thing,’ I whispered to myself.
