She looked directly down the lens. ‘The show wanted the Dylans to get together,’ she said. ‘But who do you think was the fairy godmother helping Cece sneak out of the Convent?’
She winked. The audience cheered. It was a hesitant cheer, but a cheer nonetheless.
‘Part of me stands by what I did,’ she said. ‘I was horrible to all four of them at various points on the show, but I’m genuinely very happy for Dylan JM and Cece and for Dylan G and Amanda. I know what it feels like to lose someone you love. I’m glad that’s something they don’t have to go through.’
My heart was racing. My palms were sweating. I felt like I’d swallowed a stone, and it had got caught halfway down my throat.
‘But part of me – a bigger part – regrets it,’ she said. ‘Because I’m a very selfish person, and the price I paid was far too high.’
The audience murmured in disquiet.
‘Tell us more about that,’ Z said.
‘Like I said, I know what it feels like to lose someone you love,’ Lily said. ‘Eighteen months ago, I lost my husband in a car accident.’
‘I remember. I’m so sorry, Lily.’
‘It was so sudden. One day he was there, and the next he was gone, and there were so many things I never got to say to him. It was like reading a book and then finding the last three chapters were torn out, and there was no way you could ever finish the story.’
It was so hard to breathe around the rock in my throat.
‘It was awful,’ she went on, ‘but at least it wasn’t my fault.’
‘Of course it wasn’t,’ Z said, injecting some warmth into his tone. ‘And you’ve got the opportunity for a fresh start now. To find a new love for this next chapter in your life. What a way to kick off yourWherefore Art Thou Romeo?journey with a clear conscience. What an amazing, brave, strong heroine you’re going to be.’
Lily started laughing.
It wasn’t just a chuckle. It was completely, utterly uncontrollable.
‘You seriously think I’m going to doWherefore?’ she choked out, mascara beginning to run. ‘Really?’
Z looked the most stricken I’d ever seen him. ‘I—’
‘Losing my husband wasn’t my fault,’ Lily said. ‘But doing this show cost me the fucking love of my life, and thatwasmy fault. I’m not making that mistake again.’
Later, I would realise what chaos the swearing must have caused backstage. You absolutely couldn’t swear on primetime TV.
In that moment, though, I didn’t even notice. There wasn’t room in my brain for a single thought.
There was only her.
‘I could make you a brilliant season of television.’ Mascara tears were streaming down her cheeks. ‘You could serve me up twenty handsome men, and I’d eat them for breakfast. I might even like one or two of them. Stranger things have happened.’
My hands were balled into fists, the material of my pants pulled tight around my thighs as I clutched at it.
‘But that’s not what you want in a season ofWherefore.’ She was addressing the audience now. ‘You want what those four people backstage have got. Real love. And I—’ she struck herself in the chest, hard, ‘—I’ve already found my person. I self-sabotaged so hard that I sabotaged him too, and I lost him, but I’m going to do whatever it takes to get him back. I’ll fight. I’ll grovel. Hell, I’llbeg. I am not someone who begs, but I’ll beg if I have to, and – and – and—’
She buried her face in her hands. Her shoulders shook convulsively as she sobbed.
It wasn’t instinct that drew me to my feet.
I took a second and a half, and I did the calculations.
I made myself wait.
I made myself think.
I made myself choose.
