Everyone laughed. I joined in after a second, when I realised Dylan was laughing too and they weren’t laughing at me.
‘Lily Fireball!’
‘Oh!’ Lily said, in a mock high-pitched voice, clutching a hand to her heart. ‘That’s me!’
All the air left me like a deflated balloon.
That was how she saw me. How everyone here saw me.
Insubstantial. Childish. Ridiculous.
When you told me you were a mechanic, I thought you’d be this hardass, carving out a space for herself in a male-dominated industry,Jac said to me once, not long before she ended things.I didn’t realise you were mechanic Barbie. Isn’t there anything underneath the surface, Mandie? Don’t you have any hidden depths?
Hot tears pricked my eyes. Thin-skinned could go on that list too.I’m not saying this to be cruel,Jac said.I’m saying it to be constructive.
‘Lily, shut up,’ Dylan said.
‘Don’t tell me to shut up.’
‘Stop being a bitch to someone who’s done nothing to you and I won’t have to tell you to shut up.’
‘Me!’ Parisa said. ‘I’m going on the date!’
More half-hearted cheers, which we had to film twice to get the energy right. I blinked the tears back and tried to run through the list in my mind. I was getting better at keeping it together. I wasn’t going to let the quicksand drag me down. I was doing my best to make good choices, and bursting into tears right here and now would be a terrible one. I didn’t want to let myself down.
‘There’s only one name left on the card,’ Parisa said. ‘And it’s – drum roll, please –’
There was silence. Dylan and Lily were still trying to murder each other with their eyes.
Carrie sighed. ‘Come on, ladies, look alive. Give her a drum roll. Say that again, Parisa.’
‘There’s only one name left on the card. And it’s – can I have a drum roll?’
We all drummed our hands against our knees. Dylan, I noticed, had looked away first. She was shaking her head. Lily was smiling like… well, like she’d just had a really good meal, or a really nice glass of wine.
‘Dylan G!’
Carrie made us film the reaction four times – not becausewe weren’t cheering right, but because Dylan didn’t look excited enough. ‘Come on, Dylan,’ Carrie said to her. ‘This date will be a real chance to get to know the Romeo. Don’t you want to spend time with him?’
‘Of course I do,’ she said. ‘Sorry. Let’s do it again.’
‘Are you feeling all right?’ I asked Dylan, as we walked down the hill towards the site for the group date.
‘What?’
‘You just seemed a bit off at the end there,’ I said. ‘A little down.’
‘I’m okay,’ she said. ‘You don’t need to worry about me. It’s kind of the same thing as last night, really. I’m just…’
Her voice trailed off. She reached up and pushed her headband a bit further up her forehead.
‘I guess I’m finding it a little bit trickier to adjust to this whole thing than I expected,’ she said at last. ‘That’s all.’
‘It’s big and weird and strange,’ I agreed. ‘But you’ve got me. For what that’s worth.’
She smiled, a much more natural smile than the ones she’d been forcing out during filming. The sunlight caught in her hair and – nope, wasn’t dwelling on that, wasn’t letting myself dwell on that. ‘It’s worth a lot, Mandie,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’
‘Thankyou,’ I replied. ‘For having my back with Lily Fireball.’
