Dylan broke off, pressing her fingers to her temples for several long moments. ‘I haven’t felt like this about anyone in a long time,’ she said. ‘It’s electric. When I kissed you, it felt like I’d stuck a fork into a power point. It’s amazing, but I kind of hate it, because it’s so big, so overwhelming—’
‘So out of control?’
She nodded. ‘I wasn’t expecting this, Mandie,’ she said, something desperate in her eyes. ‘I wasn’t expectingyou.’
‘I wasn’t expecting you either,’ I said. ‘I wasn’t expecting anyone, not for a long time. I could barely even see a world where there could be an anyone again.’
She exhaled again, a shaky laugh. ‘God, this is terrible timing.’
I shifted slightly, turning my body towards hers. ‘Dylan,’ I said, ‘if this is what you want – if you and me is what you want – then we can make it work.’
She reached out and took my hand, raised it to her lips, and kissed it.
For a few glorious moments, I felt like I was everythingshe’d written on those affirmation cards. Everything that had ever been on my list. I felt like Queen Shit.
But then, ‘It’s more complicated than that,’ she said quietly.
‘Why?’ I said, pulling my hand away. ‘Do you really like man-Dylan so much? Are you really that into him? Is it really better than what we have? What we could be together?’
She shook her head.
‘Then why not?’ I demanded. ‘If you feel the way you say you do about me, why not?’
She leaned her head back against the cabinet and closed her eyes. ‘Because,’ she said, ‘I have to win this show.’
16
It took her a long time to tell me the full story. ‘I signed an NDA, so you can’t tell anybody about this,’ she said. ‘If you do, I’m fucked, Mandie. Promise me.’
‘Of course I promise,’ I said.
It had started the day we’d met, at auditions.
‘You’re a nurse?’ Murray said.
‘Yes,’ Dylan replied.
‘So you must be working on the frontlines with this new virus, right?’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘You’re going to be lucky if you get a season this year. With the way things are going, we’re all going to be locked down.’
‘It takes a hell of a lot to derailMarry Me, Juliet,’ Murray replied. ‘So why are you here?’
‘To give myself an excuse not to be on the frontlines, honestly,’ she said. ‘I’m starting to realise that nursing is notthe life I want for myself. The work is hard and the hours are long and the pay is shit. I’m a single mother. Every hour I spend at work is an hour I spend away from my kid. And if this virus is as bad as I think it’s going to be…’
Her voice trailed off. ‘It’s selfish,’ she said. ‘I got into nursing to help people. That’s still all I want to do. But I can’t live a life where I never get to see my son. Where I’m in danger every day. Where I risk having him grow up without a mother.’
‘Tell me more about your son,’ Murray said.
‘His name’s Noah,’ Dylan said. ‘He’s nearly seven. He’s great. Smart. Funny. Huge personality. Heart of gold. I love him to bits.’
‘Are you looking for a father figure for him?’
‘He’s got a dad. I might not like him all the time, but he’s a good dad.’
‘Interesting,’ Murray said, scribbling something down on his clipboard.
‘I think that’s why he picked me,’ Dylan said. ‘I didn’t say I was looking for love. I didn’t say I was looking for a dad for Noah. All I wanted was an out.’
