‘Being here has helped me rebuild my self-confidence,’ I said. ‘I went through a tough break-up that shook me to the core. Dylan has helped me feel like I’m worthy of love again.’
He gave me a thumbs up. ‘Normally, this is the part of the season where the Romeo would get to meet some of your friends and get an idea of who you are in the real world. We can’t do that this year for obvious reasons, so how are you planning to communicate this to him?’
‘I know that this season isn’t a normal season,’ I said. ‘I know Dylan can’t come home with me and meet my friends and see who I am in the real world. But that’s the personI’ve showed to Dylan. The real me, all along. There are no surprises with me. No hidden depths. What you see is what you get.’
Murray didn’t answer.
I waited.
His eyelids drooped closed.
‘Murray!’ I said.
They snapped back open. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘That was very rude.’
‘I know I’m not the most interesting person in the world, and I know I don’t always tell a story like you want me to, but I didn’t think I was that boring.’
‘It’s not you, Amanda, it’s me,’ he said. ‘I’m being pulled in about twenty different directions, and I’m not getting enough sleep.’
The bags under his eyes made it clear he wasn’t lying (about this, anyway). ‘Are you all right?’
‘You don’t need to worry about me. It’s my job to worry about you. Tell me about you and Dylan G.’
I folded my arms.
‘For fuck’s sake, Amanda, you don’t have to tell me the truth,’ he said. ‘I don’t care what the truth is. I care about the storyline. You’re in a feud, and rivalries are good TV. Give me something.’
‘Fine,’ I said, sitting up straighter. ‘I hate how obvious it is that Dylan and Dylan are going to end up together. It’s bullshit.’
Murray closed his eyes again, but this time it was in frustration. ‘I know you know not to swear, Amanda.’
When Murray and I were (finally) done, Dylan was waiting outside to film her ITM. ‘How was it?’ she asked.
‘Fine,’ I said shortly. ‘Have fun.’
I wondered what kind of things Murray was going to make her say about me, about our so-called rivalry.It’s cute, really, that she thinks she has a shot. Everyone likes vanilla ice cream, but no one chooses it.
No. She wouldn’t say any of that. Even if she was the kind of person who would say that, she was the frontrunner. She was getting the winner’s edit. They’d focus on her saying all kinds of lovely stuff about her connection with Romeo-Dylan, and they’d edit me to come off looking like a jealous bitch who couldn’t handle her friend’s success.
Lily was gone now. They needed a new villain. Wifey-turned-monster was as good a narrative as any. My whole not-being-out-on-the-show plan would be for nothing. I might not get outed, but I’d get death threats anyway.
I went up to our bedroom. It was empty. Everyone who slept there except me and Dylan had been eliminated.
Fine.Fine. They wanted me to be the jealous bitchy one? I was going to be the pettiest little bitch in the world.
My suitcase was beside Dylan’s, sitting at the end of our bed. I shoved all my loose ends into it and moved it over to the other side of the room, to the bunk where Lily used to sleep. I took some of my stuff and spread it across the bottom bunk, then threw my pyjamas on the top one. Then I climbed up onto my old bed, and even though it was tricky to do for a top bunk, I made it – perfectly, pristine, so it looked like nobody had ever slept there.
I hesitated when I pulled the affirmation flashcards out from under my pillow.I am confident. I am capable. I am strong. I am enough.
My fingers tightened around them. I wanted to keep them, so badly.
But no. I had my own list. I could make my own flashcards.
I left them on the pillow, climbed down, and went to have a shower before I changed my mind.
I washed my hair slowly, digging my fingers into my scalp. I took my time combing conditioner through it, letting the steady, orderly movement – a simple thing, an easy thing, something I knew how to do – calm my nerves.
Lily’s conditioner was next to mine on the shower shelf. She must have been fuming when she got down to the Convent and realised she’d forgotten to take it.
