I could feel her eyes on me when she came out of the bathroom. She stood there for what felt like hours, looking at me.
I tried to keep my breath deep and even, hoping she couldn’t hear my heart hammering in my chest.
Eventually, she exhaled. The sheets rustled as she got into bed.
Even when I heard her sobbing quietly into her pillow, I didn’t say anything. I just pulled the doona tighter around me and tried not to cry too.
Dylan got the next single date. No one was surprised.
She came back with a necklace. No one was surprised by that either.
Kumiko, Parisa, Jess D and I went on the final group date of the season. (‘Remember,’ Z said, ‘this is the last chance you’ll have to spend time with our Romeo before the all-important final four stage! Make it count, Juliets!’) We spent the afternoon frolicking around in the icy water of the lake. The four of us were shivering in bikinis, and eventually wardrobe made us wear pasties underneath because of all the visible nipples.
The date was made even harder by the fact that Romeo-Dylan was clearly distracted the whole time. He smiled and said nice things and he was very handsome in all his shirtless glory, but even when he was talking to you, it was obvious his mind was somewhere else.
‘Are you all right?’ I asked him, even though it was a stupid thing to do, because I knew exactly where his mind was and who it was on and I didn’t want to hear about it.
There was something a little sad about the smile he gave me. ‘You’re one of the only people who ever asks me that,’ he said. ‘Thank you.’
He hugged me. I hugged him back. If I were better at being a petty bitch, I would have hated him, but I didn’t. None of this was his fault, after all.
There was a necklace on offer on the group date, and he gave it to me. ‘Being around this person always makes my day brighter,’ he said. ‘Amanda, I want to know if your heart is the other half of mine. Will you take this necklace and commit to finding out with me?’
It was easier to say yes than to say no, so I took it.
Don’t you have any self-respect?Jac whispered again.
It wasn’t even a case of not having self-respect at this point. It was active self-punishment. At the Last Chance Party, I watched the Dylans talk after she stole him for a second. His head was bent towards hers, their fingers laced together, knees touching. His necklace glittered around her neck.
I traced the line of my own necklace, and thought for a second about yanking it off and flinging it at their feet.Not anymore,I’d yell.I’m done.
‘Stop fingering your necklace, Amanda,’ Parisa said. ‘You’re rubbing it in.’
‘Oh. Sorry.’ I dropped my hand.
‘What were you thinking about?’ Kumiko asked. ‘You were a million miles away.’
‘My ex.’
Jess D raised her eyebrows. ‘Your ex?’
‘Not like that,’ I said. ‘When my ex broke up with me, it wasn’t because there was someone else. I thought that made it harder. Like, I’m so terrible that you’d rather be alone than be with me? At least if there was another person I’d understand, you know?’
‘It doesn’t make it easier, though,’ Parisa said.
‘Not even a little,’ I agreed.
The four of us watched the Dylans together for a long moment. Neither Dylan noticed.
‘Is it weird that I miss Lily Fireball?’ Jess D said. ‘Sure, she could be annoying, but at least she never let us sit around like sad sacks.’
I’m not sure if Jess D saying she missed Lily counted as a wish exactly, but if it did, she got it. She was sent down to the Convent, leaving Parisa, Kumiko, Dylan and I as the official final four of the season.
‘How do you feel about being one of the final four?’ Murray asked me in an ITM.
‘I feel great about being part of the final four!’ I lied through my teeth. ‘Dylan JM and I have built a really strong connection, and I’m excited to explore it further.’
Murray gave me a littlekeep talkinggesture.
