Here was what I was not doing anymore:
1) Any of that.
Here was what I was going to do instead:
1) Keep it together.
2) Make good choices.
3) Restrain my impulses.
4) Stay the fuck out of anything that evenlookedlike quicksand.
Maybe also5) Kiss Romeo-Dylan again. I probably wasn’t going to end up with him, but he was nice. Kissing him had been nice. Kissing him again could absolutely be a distraction from everything – else. If I accidentally made heart eyes at Dylan, I could just pretend I was actually thinking about Romeo-Dylan, and claim she just happened to be standing in my line of sight.
Ugh. Murray would be fooled by that for exactly no seconds.
I climbed into my bunk and curled up under the dark green bedspread. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. The heart-eyes thing would have to be a tomorrow problem. I’d work out how to deal with it then.
There was something hard under my pillow.
I reached under and pulled out a stack of cards, heldtogether by a rubber band.For when you need a little reminder that you’re amazing,a note on the top read.D xxx
I took the rubber band off and set the note aside.I am strong,the first card read.
I flipped through the stack.I am kind. I am confident. I am clever. I am brave. I am beautiful. I am capable. I am Queen Shit.
Oh God.
I turned to the last card.I am enough.
Dylan came out of the bathroom. ‘You like them?’ she asked, bending down to get something out of her suitcase. ‘They’re affirmation flashcards. I know hearing a bunch of compliments all at once like I dropped on you this morning was overwhelming, so I thought this might help. You can sort of drip-feed them to yourself when you need a little pick-me-up. As many or as few as you want.’
‘Dylan, they’re – they’re –’
They weren’t nice, that was for sure. No word had been invented that could adequately describe how I felt.
‘Thank you,’ I said at last. ‘I love them.’
‘They’re all true,’ she said. ‘This is who you really are, Mandie. Don’t let anyone ever convince you otherwise.’
I just nodded. If I tried to speak, I might just vomit up my heart, right at her feet.
‘Don’t cry again!’ she said hurriedly. ‘I felt terrible about this morning.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I cry too easily. I know that.’
‘Hey,’ she said. ‘Cards. This is your one warning. Every time I hear you talking shit about yourself from now on, you’ll have to drop and give me twenty affirmations.’
I laughed weakly.
‘I really am sorry about this morning,’ she said. ‘Nothing came out the way I wanted it to. I put my foot so far in my mouth I practically swallowed my leg.’
‘S’okay.’
‘Did you have a good time on your date?’
‘Yeah,’ I managed. ‘Yeah, it was… nice.’
