‘I can’t decide if it’s a huge stretch or a logical leap so bear with me. What if the uni bubble burst with Adrian’s death? What if Laurie – MrI love Loughborough– felt his loss even more than the rest of us and he pulled away as a self-preservation thing before anyone else left the bubble? Ned and Erica splitting up made it easier to withdraw from them and, of course, you and Laurie never went out on your own. So the only one left to pull away from was me. What if he did that so effectively that he woke up one day and realised he didn’t love me anymore?’
Jude teased her bottom lip with her teeth, evidently mulling this over. ‘You could be onto something there but I’m not sure about the timing. This November, it’ll be six years since we lost Adrian but Ned and Erica only separated two years ago.’
I wrinkled my nose. I hadn’t thought about there being such a big gap.
‘Plus, if it was connected to Adrian, why wouldn’t he just tell you? It might have been an emotional conversation – especially for someone who doesn’t do emotional – but surely it wouldn’t have been as hard as theI want a divorceone.’
I sighed heavily and pressed my forehead against Demeter’s side, scrunching my eyes shut. ‘Maybe it is a stretch.’
‘Why’s it so important to you to know why he left?’ Jude asked after a while.
A feeling of clarity flowed through me. I opened my eyes once more, stood up straighter and resumed my stroking.
‘Because he promised me forever and he didn’t give me it. I know marriages fall apart and forever doesn’t happen for everyone, but there’s always a reason why things end. I need one. I liked being married and I’d like to think that, one day in the future, I’ll meet someone special and do it again. But if it was me who did something wrong, I don’t want to give my heart to someone else and do that same thing wrong. Does that make sense?’
‘It makes perfect sense, but Laurie told you it was him, not you.’
‘I know, but was that just a line? He’s not a cruel person – or at least I didn’t think he was – so I could see how his logical mind would sayI’ve already hurt her by calling time so best not to hurt her more by telling her all the things she’s done wrong.’ I groaned. ‘Oh, my God, Jude! If one of my clients said these things in a therapy session…’
‘It’s never so easy when it’s happening to you and that’s why we speak to friends, family or therapists when we’re in turmoil. They’re the ones who can take a step back and help us see the bigger picture when we’re battling with the myriad of emotions. So, as your friend rather than your therapist, I’ll give you some advice. Get in touch with Laurie and tell him this is killing you and he needs to give you a reason, no matter how hurtful it is to hear. Do it now. Don’t wait until things have settled down here because I’m not sure they ever will. Do it before the cows arrive on Tuesday.’
‘But I don’t want to speak to him. I don’t want anything more to do with him.’
‘Then you can’t get your answers because he’s the only one who has them.’
I raked my fingers through my hair. ‘Why does it have to be so hard?’
‘Welcome to adulting! You’re going to have to find a way to force the reason out of him or get comfortable living in blissful ignorance. Although that’s not going to be easy for you because, not only are you a fixer, you’re someone who needs to know that you didn’t create the problem in the first place.’
She had me described to a tee. I couldn’t bear to think that something I had said or done had caused anyone any pain which was why I was struggling to accept no explanation from Laurie and why I’d found it so hard to accept Erica pulling away.
Demeter shook her mane and wandered away, as though recognising her job had been done.
‘Another horse?’ Jude asked.
I smiled at her. ‘I’m okay, thanks. That quiet moment was invaluable for untangling everything going on up here.’ I tapped the side of my head.
‘You said there might be a problem connected to the farm whirling round up there too?’ Jude prompted as we made our way towards the gate.
‘Oh yeah! Not a problem as such but more of a wondering. I was watching that young couple with their little boy earlier and he looked like he was terrified of the horses. He clung to his dad and wouldn’t even look at them. Obviously he had no idea they’re incredibly gentle but it got me thinking about the animals here. We’ve got the cows coming and, even though the cuddling experiences will be adults only, regular visitors will be able to see them in the fields between sessions. But they’re big too. What if we had some smaller animals that children could have a proper hands-on encounter with like guinea pigs? We could run a cuddle and chat session a few times a day. Do you think that’d be popular?’
‘I think kids would love that – especially those who are intimidated by the bigger animals. And I can think of someone who’d love to run guinea pig handling sessions.’
I nodded. ‘She’s said several times that she’s nothing to do with the farm but this could be a great way of making her feel part of it while doing something she loves.’
‘I think you could take it even further.’ Jude closed the gate behind us. ‘Give her the full responsibility to set it up – everything from designing their pens to sourcing and breeding the guinea pigs to developing a talk about them.’
‘That would be a great project for her. Ooh! Maybe we could invite Ned over to give her a few project management tips.’
Jude gave me a gentle shove. ‘Don’t you dare!’
As we wandered across to the café to see how Mam’s afternoon had been, I felt lighter. It was incredible how much calmer a person could feel after spending some quiet time with animals. They were the best healers in the world.
37
On Friday morning, Willow had just left and I was sweeping the floor in the stables when Maddie appeared with a tray containing two mugs of tea and two bacon butties.
‘Peace offering?’ she asked, her expression uncertain.
