And I knew it didn’t make sense, I knew it was stupid, but that didn’t stop it from crawling under my skin and sitting there. Everything did, around that time. Everything got… too close. The trees felt closer, the walls felt closer, even my own thoughts felt like they were pressing up against me instead of coming from inside. Like they were trying to getininstead of out, and I couldn’t fucking separate it anymore.
Andhim, he was always there.
Too present and too fucking aware. Like he could feel it happening before I did.“You’re doing it again.”His voice cut through whatever the hell I was stuck in. I didn’t look at him.
“Doing what?”I muttered, but it came out wrong, like my tongue wasn’t keeping up with the words. He stepped closer, slow and careful.
“Losing track,”he said, softer this time. I clenched my jaw.
“I’m fine.”
He didn’t answer right away; that was the worst. Because when Zwierek didn’t answer, it meant he waswatching,and when he was watching, it meant he was seeing things I wasn’t ready to admit yet.
“Rowan.”The way he said my name, not like a warning or a challenge, like something else. And I hated that more than anything.
“Don’t,”I snapped, finally turning to look at him. I meant to sound firm, I meant to push him back, create some distance,anything, but it didn’t come out like that at all. It came out thin and frayed. He saw it, of course, he fucking did. His expression shifted, just slightly, but it was enough. Concern, real concern.
“I found him.”The words landed wrong in the room. Everything landed wrong, but that one, no, that one didn’t even make sense. I frowned, shook my head.“Found who?”He hesitated, actually hesitated. Then, carefully, like he was choosing his words for once.
“The psychiatrist.”Something in me gave way in a way I couldn’t fix.
“No,”I said immediately, shaking my head harder this time, stepping back without realizing it.
“No, that’s not, you said…”I stopped, because I knew what he said. Iknewit.“You said my father,”I continued, frustration creeping in under the confusion.“You said you were going to find my father.”His brows pulled together, and the scar in his brow tightened, and for a second, he looked at me like I was the one slipping.
“Rowan,”he said slowly,“we never talked about your father.”
That, that fuckingtone.So careful and measured, like he was talking to something fragile, like he thought I might break.
“I remember it,”my voice came out louder this time.“You said it. You, you said…”The words tangled, slipped. Wouldn’t stay where I put them. I tried to grab them again, force them back into place, but the more I pushed, the worse it got. Like trying to catch raindrops in my hands.“I remember it,”I repeated, but it didn’t sound convincing anymore. Not even to me.
His expression changed again, but not like before. He stepped closer, slow with that concerned look on his face.
“Hey,”he murmured. And I swear to God, I hated him for that. For the softness. For the way he reached out like I was something he needed to steady instead of something he needed to push.
“Don’t,”I said again, but there was nothing behind it this time, nothing solid.“You’re overwhelmed,”he said.
“No, I’m not.”
“You are.”
“I said I’m not.”My chest tightened like something was sitting on it. Like I couldn’t get enough air in, no matter how hard I tried.
“You’re mixing things up,”he continued, voice still calm, still controlled, like he had all the time in the world to figure me out.“It’s okay. It happens.”
“No, it doesn’t…”My breath hitched.
Fuck.
It hit all at once, just, everything. My head felt too full and too empty at the same time, like there were too many thoughts and none of them were mine, crashing into each other without making sense, and my chest, fuck, my chest… I couldn’t, I couldn’t fucking breathe.
“Rowan.”His voice again, way too close, his hands on me. I tried to push him away, I think I did, or maybe I just thought about it. I don’t know.
“Get off,”the words broke. My hands were shaking. No, more than shaking, trembling. Like I couldn’t hold onto anything, not even my own body.
“It’s fine,”he said, firmer now.“Look at me.”
I didn’t want to. I couldn’t. Everything felt like it was crashing inside of me. The walls, the air, my own fucking skull…
