“What do you mean?”I asked. He looked at me like I was wasting his time.“Who’s next?”Simple. Like we were picking up a conversation we’d already finished. I stared at him. Really tried to understand what he was asking.
“I’m not doing that,”I said. My voice sounded off to my own ears. Too distant. He smiled again. God. That fucking smile again.
“I didn’t say you were,”he replied.
“I asked who.”
“That’s the same thing, Zwierek.”
“Is it?”I exhaled, dragged a hand over my face.
“I’ve already told you, I’m not going on a fucking killing spree just because it excites you,”I snapped. And there it was, a flicker. He liked that. I could see it.“Excites me?”he repeated, almost laughing.
“That’s what you think this is?”He shook his head.
“You’re still lying to yourself.”And then, just like that, he changed direction again.
“I’ll find him.”I frowned.
“Find who?”He looked at me like I was stupid.
“Your father.”… No. No, that didn’t…
“What? We never talked about that,”I said on the spot, completely sure. He frowned. Actually frowned.
“Yes, we did.” “No,”I said.“You asked about the hospital.”
His expression hardened.
“What are you talking about?”he snapped.
“I never said that.”That, that’s where it slipped. Because he didn’t hesitate, he didn’t look unsure; he lookedcertain.And for a second, I wasn’t. I tried to replay it. Tried to grab onto the conversation, place it somewhere solid. But it… moved. Like it didn’t want to stay where I put it. Like it didn't belong to me anymore. So I stopped. I just stopped. Because arguing meant trusting my memory, and I didn’t. Not anymore. He saw it. Thesecond I dropped it. The second I let it go. His shoulders relaxed just a fraction. Victory. Small, but there.“So?”he pressed, voice lower now.
“Do you want it or not?”
“Want what, Zwierek?”He leaned closer.
“Revenge.”
It sat there between us, heavy and familiar. And the worst part? The part I don’t like admitting? Is that something in me shifted.
I hate that you have to see me like this, little Ghost, I really do.
Because if anyone else looked at me the way you are right now, I’d break their fucking jaw for it, but you… you just sit there. Watching, understanding. You always understand more than you should, and I’m not used to that.
I need you, little Ghost. I need you to stay no matter how ugly this gets. I need you to not look away from me.
“I need to think,”I said finally. It sounded weak, I heard it, and so did he. He didn’t call it out; he didn’t have to. He just nodded slowly, like he already knew what I was going to decide before I did.
“Don’t take too long.”
And the thing is, I didn’t know if he was talking about my father, or something else at that point. Tell me something, my little Ghost. If a web is built perfectly, if every thread is exactly where it’s supposed to be, at what point do you stop calling it a trap and start admitting it was made for you?
The Deranged
Chapter 24
I remember getting angry at him for breathing too loud. Not even kidding, just the sound of it, the way it dragged in and out of his chest like it belonged in the room more than mine did, like he had more right to the air than I did.
