“I understand. Take all the time and space you need.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m going to sleep at mine tonight.”
“This isn’t anything to worry about, Rona. I’m sure we’ll work it out, in time. I want to, and I hope you do too.”
Rona sighed, puffing air out. “That’s good because I really needed that reassurance.”
“If you choose to stay where you are in your career, in the end, of course I’ll support you. You matter to me more than what careers we do. I just want you to be happy.”
“Thanks, Lily. I appreciate that. I want you to be happy too. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
“Same. We’ll be okay, Rona.”
I watched as Rona went around the room collecting some of her things and placing them into her bag. Then I listened as she went next door to the bedroom and got changed. When she came back in, her eyes were red and puffy.
“Rona…” I couldn’t find any words to say. I felt horrible about our argument and for asking for some space, but I needed it and I didn’t want to make it any worse.
She waited for a beat to see if I was going to say anything and when I didn’t, she frowned at me again, picked up her stuff, and left.
The front door limped shut behind her. I put my head in my hands and closed my eyes, stunned at what had just happened.
That was our first fight. It was so surreal. I used to not be able to picture us ever getting into a fight when we first started dating. I never thought we would ever get this complicated.
The house was quiet after Rona left. My body was heavy and tired. Asking for space was my go-to solution but this time I could already feel it wasn’t going to give me the relief I needed. Confused and conflicted, I went for a lie down not knowing yet what was going to make this better or how to go about it, and terrified of the consequences of that.
~ 21 ~
Rona
Nell lowered the vinyl onto the record player like she was handling precious rare jewels. “If there’s one thing in life that we can turn to in times of distress, it’s music. See if you like this one.”
She’d brought some of her new vinyls over to ‘cheer me up’. Her new stuff was excellent. The music permeated my flat and knocked at the door of my gloom. She was right, only music could bring me out of this. It was what I always turned to in life, whether I was feeling happy or sad or angry or excited. In music, I found regulation. It could calm me down or get me worked up. Poetic and wise lyrics could infuse with my psyche more than the best self-help books. It was the feeling that came with the words, delivered through carefully selected musical choices. When Nell had got here, I’d been playing George Michael’sLadies and Gentlemanalbum. Now, we were listening to a new folk artist from Norway with an ethereal voice that made me want to sit up and take notice. Nell and I shared such a similar taste in music, and I loved the way she was curious about new stuff, and somehow I always loved the new stuff she found. The only exception had been when she had gone through a heavy metal phase. I could appreciate it, but I didn’t love it.
“The production is excellent,” I confirmed. “Her voice is amazing.”
“Do you know she said playing live was like taking a shit in public to her. It was the most mortifying thing to her tostand on stage and pour her heart out. She said it live on stage at Glastonbury and everything.”
“She did?”
“The crowd loved it.”
I had to at least consider that times may have changed since I was touring with the band. Back then, it was all about appearing to be a certain way. At least that’s how I’d felt. But more and more people now seemed to be valuing pure authenticity and unique artistic expression. There was a rejection of affectation and pretence, which I loved. It was expected that you should be unapologetically yourself, and it was okay if you were different to the norm. In fact, the more different to the norm nowadays, the better. I was seeing it in almost all of the artists and bands I worked with, too.
“Do you want to tell me more about the argument?”
I took a deep breath. “Yeah. I’ve hardly eaten since leaving her place. I feel so abandoned, humiliated, and rejected, but mostly just sad. I didn’t see this coming. Lily’s been pulling away and showing signs, but I never thought it would lead to her telling me I was overwhelming her. I thought Lily was my person and my safe place. I don’t know if this is just an argument or if it means we can’t get past these issues. I’m worried about it.”
Nell’s face was kind and deeply sympathetic. “Oh, Rona. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
I wanted to make it better with Lily. The urge to call her or go back around to her place was so strong. But I knew I needed to give her space, and I needed some space and time to figure out why I was the way I was myself, and maybe do something about it.
But part of me was pissed off with Lily, too, and I didn’t want to feel that way about her. I needed a minute on my own, to let the dust settle.
“Do you think I’m a coward for not releasing my own stuff?” I waited for Nell’s response.
She sat down on the chair beside my sofa with her thinking face on but didn’t say anything.
