“Nell?”
“Rona, you know how I feel about your potential solo career and putting yourself out there. I’ve been banging on about it for years. So has Oscar. Why is it so much worse when Lily says it to you, too?”
“It just is. She said I was using her to avoid the discomfort of not moving forward in my career.”
“You were in an argument. I bet she regrets saying it like that. I bet there are things you regret saying, too.”
“There are. I questioned how much she drinks. I feel terrible about it.”
“Wow. Okay. You guys really went for it.”
I grimaced. “I know. I think I was out of line.”
“The heat of the moment. Arguments bring up all kinds of shit. Go easy on yourself. It would be weird if you guys didn’t argue. You’re only human.”
I took a breath, seeing things more clearly from talking it out with Nell. “I do think she has a problem with her drinking. I think she’s avoiding her issues. But then, I have to leave her to it don’t I. It’s her life.”
“It takes courage to raise these types of things. It sounds like you really care for her. You never know, it might get her to reassess if her drinking is a problem for her. You did good, dude.”
“I don’t know.”
“It’s never nice to be called out, is it?”
“It’s the worst! I can’t believe she called me out on my music and said I’m holding myself back.”
“If you ask me, I think it’s a good sign that she challenges you and she won’t take your shit. She wants what is ultimately in your best interests. She’s not just going to sit there and let you shrink away into your own fears just to keep the peace. If anything, it makes me like her more.”
Nell was right. It was a good sign in Lily. It made me trust and respect her even more too, in a way, deep down, even though I didn’t like it. Although, did it even matter anymore, if ultimately she was feeling suffocated by our relationship. By me.
“Like Lily said, it’s your fear of rejection. And now you’re falling apart over not making the most of your talents. You’re at another creative bottle neck, and it is destroying you.”
“Say what you really mean, Nell.”
She sat back and folded her arms. “You need to get there on your own terms in your own time. I think it’s clear all the people who know and love you the most all support you and are encouraging you. But in the end, it’s got to come from you.”
I didn’t say much after that. I needed to reevaluate my entire life. A long drive in the country blasting my favourite songs was in order. There was something about what Lily and Nell were saying. A memory of being told off by my parents for being too loud and taking up too much space at a family gathering popped into my head. Come to think of it, they were always telling me off for being expressive at inconvenient times to them. Apparently, as a child I was very unladylike and needed to learn some manners. One time, I’d stood up and shouted ‘bravo’ while clapping my hands during a trip to the theatre when I was ten. My mumwas enraged at me for embarrassing her like that in public and punished me for it for quite some time. She criticised me for being my most true and authentic self. She didn’t like who I really was, and wanted me to conform. In the fullness of time, I realised there was some inherent homophobia in my parents. They were better now but they didn’t really celebrate me as a person. Being tolerated was not the same. So, I’d learned from an early age to become smaller and take up less space. I became quieter and stopped drawing attention to myself. It was safer that way.
We listened to the music play, which was one of my and Nell’s comfort zones. We hadn’t spent a lot of time together in a while. Sitting together in my flat, I realised I’d missed it. “How are things with Vee? Tell me the truth. Don’t worry about me and Lily having trouble.”
Nell’s shoulders relaxed and she smiled, massively. She grinned widely and was obviously trying not to. “Very well. We’re in love.”
I smiled back, happy for her. Nell had met Vee after we got back from Greece. Vee was a hot femme from Lithuania and seemed to fit Nell perfectly. “That’s brilliant.”
“She lets me be a woman, you know? She loves that I’m masc presenting but she doesn’t expect me to act like a man. She looks so sweet, but I can tell you, she’s anything but. But in a good way, if you know what I mean. She doesn’t take any shit from anyone. For the first time in forever, I feel like my partner is taking care of me equally. I love it.”
My heart swelled at how happy Nell was. “Aw, that’s the best!”
“We’ve been spending all our time together. Never thought I’d be in this position but we’ve officially lesbian merged our entire personalities and lives. Joined at the hipdoesn’t even begin to describe it. I’m joking obviously, but you know what I mean.”
“I do. So does she wear your hoodies?”
“She steals them!”
“Do you use all her beauty products?”
Nell laughed. “I do. I think she’s onto me.”
“It’s mad how we’ve both found our people at the same time, isn’t it?”
