Page 162 of The Song We Lost

I looked up to find Sadie watching me and Cole watching Sadie. She smiled in response to the question that must have been on my face. She looked up at Cole who kissed her forehead and then turned back to me saying, “Iris.”

I looked back at the miracle in my arms, whispering her name to her. Sadie chuckled, saying, “We were having a hard time finding a name we loved. It felt like we were never going to agree and then I went down a rabbit hole of names until I found a site for baby names from Greek mythology.”

I kept my eyes on Iris when I responded, “I didn’t know there was a goddess named Iris.”

Sadie hummed and continued saying, “Me either, but when I read the symbolism of her name… her purpose…”

I looked up when she didn’t continue and saw tears running down Cole’s face and Sadie with her eyes closed tight. I didn’t want to rush her, so I looked back at the baby in my arms, soaking in the feeling of her.

Sadie’s voice was barely above a whisper when she said, “Iris means rainbow, but she is also a messenger for the gods.” Her voice got stronger when she said, “The symbolism or her name… what she means…” When Sadie went quiet again, I looked up and she had her face tucked into Cole’s chest. He brought his red rimmed eyes up to meet mine and said, “She embodies the rainbow… as a bridge between heaven and earth.”

“That’s…” I couldn’t get the words out. How could a name be so perfect and so devastating at the same time?

I looked down at Iris, the baby girl who would always be a connection between her mom and us. I made a silent promise to her that I would always make sure she knew what she meant to her mom, what she meant to all of us.

chapter 42

bailey

. . .

Itook the opportunity to sneak out of the house when Rose came over to take Iris’s one-month baby pictures. Everyone had been really great at capturing every moment since she was born.

It took two weeks for Sadie to be released from the hospital, and I thought I would be relieved to have her home, but somehow it feels like the ticking clock is louder, and I hate it.

I hate that I can’t get that out of my head, that I can not just let go like she wants and be in the moment with her. And Cole… He is being so brave, so strong. But I know this is slowly killing him on the inside.

He told me the other day that he went to see her oncologist to ask if there was anything else that could be done now that Iris was born, and he got the same answer I did when I went. I am pretty sure the doctor thinks we are beyond crazy now. And if that wasn’t enough, the label is breathing down Rachel’s neck and I…

I didn’t realize I had walked myself in a large circle around the private section of the compound and ended up at the house that was built for…

Another person I have been avoiding, even though he feels like he is everywhere. He has been spending a lot of time with Sadie, and not even Cole knows why.

I take in a deep breath; the bite in the air is finally gone, but spring isn’t here just yet.

Moving on autopilot, I enter the empty house and head towards the room with the best view. When we used to dream about this life, he would tell me that the best view should be from our room or the nursery. That as I rocked or nursed our babies that I should have the prettiest view to look at, and I told him I would, no matter where I was, because of the baby that we would have made that would be in my arms.

I rub at the ache in my chest and come to an abrupt stop when I get to the room because standing at the window is…

“Luke…” His name escapes my lips on a breath. I don’t know how he hears me, but he does, and when he turns and his midnight blue eyes meet my golden ones, I have to suck in a breath.

We haven’t been this close, haven’t been alone…

He has tears in his eyes when he whispers, “Sunshine.”

A garbled sound comes out of me and I can’t… I can’t do this right now. So I turn and make my way through the house that was supposed to be ours. But he is right behind me.

“Bailey, please stop. Don’t go.” It's a plea with so many feelings woven in.

But what does he expect from me?

I keep moving, feeling like everything will burst out of me if I don’t. I feel his hand on my arm when he says, “Please. If you want space, I will leave, but don’t run away.”

That has some kind of crazy laugh bubbling out of me, because he doesn’t want me to run…

Slipping free from his grip, I yank my arm and step back, and as we stare at each other, I realize how much I miss him. I miss the Luke that was my person. I don’t even know the last time I saw that version of him. But for some reason, I feel like he is right here in front of me, and that makes me… angry… hurt… so fucking lonely. Because I have wanted Luke by my side… But Ican’t have him because he broke us and we are getting divorced and…

I cover my face with my hands because I feel like I am going crazy. It’s too much… everything is too much and “it’s not fair”.