Page 163 of The Song We Lost

I don’t realize I say it out loud until I hear him respond, “I know, sunshine.”

I can feel everything bubbling under the surface; my breath picks up and my heart feels like it is trying to beat out of my chest. I want to run. I want to push it all down and just run… but I hear Sadie say,“I need to know that you are going to be okay when I am gone.”

“I am not okay.” It comes out like a confession that I didn’t know I needed to make.

It’s quiet for a minute, and my chest is heaving, and I think that I might be having a panic attack, but then I feel warm, familiar, calloused hands pulling my hands away from my face. He is so close, and all I want to do is nestle my face into his chest and let him take this away. I want to be in the arms of my first and only love. I want to feel safe and comforted by him…

“No one expects you to be okay right now, Bailey…” I cut him off with a nasty laugh that doesn’t sound like me, before responding, “Are you fucking kidding me? Everyone expects me to be okay ...” I step back, still breathing hard.

“You need to either let yourself feel Bailey or you need to decide to let it go. With me and with Luke. Burying everything, choking down your feelings isn’t healthy. And we need you to be happy and healthy.”Sadie’s voice playing in my mind.

But how do you do that? How do you feel all of this… it’s too much and I don’t even know how to let all of this go. That feels impossible.

Luke is standing in front of me, in a house that was supposed to be ours, and I don’t even think it is a conscious decision when the damn finally breaks and the words come tumbling out.

“I am not okay,” I say louder now, “And I have no idea how I ever will be again.” I gasp and take another step back, continuing, “The fucking label have been threatening me, so Rachel convinced me to let her tell them what is going on with Sadie… and I think it is almost worse that they know.” I take a deep breath trying to look anywhere but at Luke as I let everything come tumbling out, “They keep asking when… Like… like they want to get her death out of the way so I can go back to being their money train… And they keep pushing for me to perform and they are pissed because Jackson and Rhett refuse to play our songs with anyone but me, saying we can perform when I am ready… They are trying to be supportive and on my side but I think that is making it worse…”

I try to take in air, trying to take a deep breath, but my chest feels tight, so I walk over to the big window in the living room and put my hand on the cool glass, trying to ground myself.

Luke still hasn’t said anything; he is standing there watching me, letting me get it out.

I look out the window at the most incredible view, but I don’t see it… I see… “And I was stupid enough to go online, I was up with Iris one night and decided to scroll through my social media… and people… they are saying so many ridiculous, mean and crazy things… and how can they say they love you one minute and then the next…”

I feel him close behind me and the tightness in my chest, the pressure of being perfect, of always being on… what’s the point when you end up losing everything anyway… what’s the fucking point?

I spin and move towards Luke, stabbing my finger into his chest, demanding, “How… How Luke?” He looks down at me with a question in his eyes and then I can see the moment, I can see when he understands what I am asking, but I am not done,“How can you love me one minute and then toss me aside like I am nothing the next?”

Luke scrunches up his face as if the question caused him physical pain. He shakes his head ‘no’ before saying, “I am so sorry, Bailey.”

I step back, feeling everything all at once. “You can’t be sorry that you stopped loving me, Luke. It was a choice you made!”

He matches my step, so many emotions playing over his beautiful face, “No! I am not apologizing for not loving you, Bailey. That isn’t even possible. I am sorry that I made you believe it… I am sorry that I made you feel for even a second that I didn’t love you.”

I gasp and reply, “How can you say that? How can you say that you still love me? How do you love someone and do what you did…”

I can feel the tears streaming down my face, clawing at my chest, trying to get in enough air. Luke moves, and suddenly I am wrapped in his arms. He tucks me into him like he has a million times before. “Breathe, Bailey.”

I want to fight my way out of his arms, because it feels so good to be back here again, but it also hurts…

“I can’t,” I choke out, “It hurts too much…. Everything hurts.”

He holds me tighter, as if he is trying to hold me together as I sob in his arms. He murmured into my hair, “I know, baby, and I am so sorry. I am here. It’s ok. Let it out.”

I feel suddenly too heavy, and my legs threaten to give out. Luke lowers us to sit with me on the ground in the middle of the empty living room of our dream house as I sob in his arms. He tucks me onto his lap as he rocks us back and forth. I cry as he murmurs reassurances, apologies, and how much he loves me. I don’t know how long we stayed like that, but when I woke up in my bed, it’s dark out. I sit up instinctively, looking for him, but Luke is nowhere to be seen, and I don’t know why I expectedhim to be here. I don’t know anything anymore except that the pressure in my chest doesn’t feel so heavy, so overwhelming. I feel something soft beneath my hand, and when I look down, I see that I have the sweater Luke was wearing clutched in my hand. I don’t let myself overthink it when I lie back down and snuggle my face into his sweater and get the best night’s sleep I had in months.

what they say

WHERE IS BAILEY BROOKS?

It has been months since the release of Wild Again, The album and single topped the charts alongside the collaboration No Place I’d Rather be. Bailey Brooks has yet to perform a single song from the record live.

No interviews.

No televised appearances.

No festival announcements.

And now fans are starting to ask questions.