Page 161 of The Song We Lost

Sadie motioned for me to sit, her hand wrapped around a steaming mug before answering, “Because that would open up conversation about you.”

I sat next to Sadie, asking, “And she doesn’t talk about me?”

“At first she said she just needed to get through the tour and so I gave her that and then Cole called her and told her to come home.” She takes a sip of her tea, playing with the tag as she continues, “I wanted to give her more time to work through what had happened between you two before more shit got dumped on her, but I am glad Cole called her. I am glad we’ve had this time together.” I wrapped my hands around my mug listening to Sadie talk. “She doesn’t talk about you, Luke, but that is because she doesn’t really talk about anything. She keeps absorbing hit after hit without processing any of it. She….”

Sadie stopped herself, taking a deep breath and then looking at me, searching for something. The words came bubbling out of me, “I am so fucking sorry, Sadie.”

She looked down at the mug in her hands asking, “Why’d you do it?”

That was a loaded question, and could mean a lot of things. But I knew Sadie and she wasn’t here for herself. I answered as honestly as I could, with as much as I understood of what I did and why, “The best way I can explain it is, it’s likewhen a gambling addict keeps losing, but still keeps chasing.” I swallowed hard, my hands shaking slightly on my mug, but I kept going, “I felt like I had to earn my place beside her, that I wasn’t good enough… couldn’t stand beside her until I earned my place and I wanted… no I needed to do it on my own. I needed to know I earned my place beside her.” Sadie remained quiet at my side, so I kept going, “I kept losing, kept fucking up and then Dave would dangle the next big thing… the next big win. And in my head if I gambled on my relationship with Bailey and won my spot beside her… Then the gamble was worth it. But I never actually stopped to think about what I was doing. Dave kept saying exactly what I wanted to hear, kept dangling the next big thing and I was so busy chasing it, I missed what was going on… that I was getting further away from her instead of closer which is what I wanted… I…” I took a sip of my tea trying to get my thoughts straight, “I started acting like someone who isn’t me. Like if I played the role… it wasn’t me. You know? Like I wasn’t the asshole destroying my marriage. So when I chose to miss the flight to come here for your wedding…” I didn’t try to blink away the tears, I let them fall as I continued, “I knew. I knew that would be it… but part of me still held on to the fact that Bailey would never leave me… even though I knew… I don’t even really remember being on that stage with Kacey or saying those words.”

We sat in silence for a while before Sadie broke it saying, “She is going to need you.” I couldn’t answer, couldn’t respond, I dropped my head in shame… Bailey had needed me for a long time. All she wanted was me and I…. Sadie continued, “You will need to be patient with her, because she is not ready to deal with you or anything right now. She is not handling losing me well and the closer we get to this munchkin being born, to the timeframe the doctors gave me…” She paused, adjusting in her seat and rubbing a spot on her belly, “She is barely hanging onand it doesn’t matter what any of us say. She is giving everyone else what she thinks we need and she will be there for my little girl… but she will need someone to be here for her… because when Bailey finally breaks…” I looked over at Sadie who was furiously wiping tears away from her face and then her eyes locked on mine and I felt every word, “I can handle dying because my daughter will live and get to be surrounded by so much love. I know Cole and Bailey will give her the world… but I need you to promise me something Luke.” I didn’t know what she was asking, but I nodded and she continued, “When Bailey breaks it will only be you who will be able to help put her back together…” I went to protest, telling her I am the last person Bailey would want to rely on. But Sadie held up a hand and kept going, “She chose you, Luke… When I asked her to wait to get married, when I told her I thought you two were too young. She looked at me with a blinding smile and so much love in her eyes and said,‘he’s my person’, like that was all the explanation she needed, but for Bailey it was. Because Bailey chose you.”

Sadie wiped tears from her face and then reached out and placed a hand on mine, “I hate what you did to her Luke and if you weren’t the only person in this whole world who could help… I probably wouldn't be here. But… Baileywillbreak and when she does she needs you ready.”

She squeezed my hand and we both sat with what she just said. Eventually Sadies scooted her chair closer to mine and rested her head on my shoulder, some kind of peace offering and we talked. She told me about the day she found out she was pregnant and the day she found out she was dying and then she asked me for one more favour.

chapter 41

bailey

. . .

February brought with it a mix of emotions I wasn’t sure I was ready for. Sadie wasn’t doing well, so after a scan to make sure baby girl was ready to join the world, the doctors told us they recommended a c-section immediately.

I panicked, while Cole fumbled looking for his phone to make calls and Sadie just smiled at us saying, “Don’t worry, I messaged Luke and told him where to find everything.”

Cole and I stood staring at the woman who was about to undergo an emergency c-section so that her hospice team could start the medication needed to keep her comfortable… and she was texting… Luke?

She grabbed Cole’s hand, pulling him closer, her eyes glittered as she said, “We get to meet her today.”

The rest of the morning flew by in a sort of frenetic haze, but at 12:34pm on February third my niece was born. I had been pacing outside of the surgical wing when I saw Cole follow doctors down the hall towards the maternity ward. We had agreed he would stick with the baby and I would stay with Sadie. So as soon as the doctors gave me the all clear I was at her side.

I was half perched on the chair, half leaning on her bed watching her breathe when she finally opened her eyes and immediately smiled at me. She whispered, “She’s here?”

“Yes,” I whispered back, resting my head next to hers.

“She’s…ok…healthy?” Sadie asked, tears lining her eyes.

I brushed the hair from her face, smiling, “Yes… from what I have been told she is perfect. Cole is still with her, the nurse and Doctor will be back in to check on you and then Cole will bring her in to meet you.”

“She’s here… I did it.” She said, an almost dreamy look on her face.

I couldn’t respond with the tears clogging my throat so I nodded, kissed her forehead and stood as her doctor and a nurse entered the room. I stood back listening to them talking to Sadie, asking her how she was feeling and talked about the tests they wanted to run before finalizing what came next. They left assuring Sadie that Cole and Baby girl Mercer would be in shortly. I moved to her bed, helping adjust her pillows and making sure she was comfortable. I heard wheels and Cole talking to someone in the hallway. I cleared my throat, saying, “I am going to go and let everyone know what is going on…” Sadie grabbed my hand, interrupting me saying, “I want you to stay.”

I was so focused on her, I didn’t notice the door open as I responded saying, “Sadie I don’t want to impose. This is your time…” Cole cut me off, “You are never imposing, Bailey. This is what we want.”

My eyes left Sadie and found Cole walking into the room pushing a clear plastic cart. He wheeled it to the end of the bed and without saying another word I sat in the chair beside Sadie and watched in awe as Cole picked up and snuggled the baby to him and walked to Sadie’s side with a look of pure joy, pure love on his face.

I sucked in a breath as he handed Sadie her baby girl and I got to witness what I could only describe as the most painfully beautiful moment. Cole whispered softly to Sadie as she stared down at their daughter. He kissed her temple and she smiled through the tears that were streaming down her face. I clutched at my chest feeling like my heart might explode.

I watched them get to experience their dream together. Sadie turned her head to me, her dark brown eyes almost a warm amber. “Do you want to meet your niece?” she asked.

I choked out a yes and Cole came around the bed and transferred the bundle to my arms. He moved back around to Sadie, gently sitting down beside her in the hospital bed. But my focus was on the baby girl in my arms. She made a contented sound that sounded almost like a sigh and I smiled feeling tears streaming down my face. She looked absolutely perfect, a pink knit hat on her head and her healthy rosy complexion. With a little upturned button nose, she seemed to already have mastered a pout. I reached in brushing my fingers across her tiny fist, which she opened in response, just enough that she could grab on to one of my fingers.

My mind kept on trying to pull me into the darkness of all the things thatshould beright now. But I pushed the thoughts away and focused on the joy of this moment.

“Hi…” I paused, realizing that I didn’t know what they had named her.