Page 160 of The Song We Lost

“What do we think about Sierra?” I laughed so abruptly at her ability to change topics that snot flew from my nose, which made Sadie laugh. “Oh my god that is so gross.”

“I haven’t seen you two like this in years.”

We both poked our heads out of the blankets to find Cole leaning in the doorway.

“Hey baby.” Sadie sighed, a content smile on her face.

Cole returned her smile with one of his own. Then she scooted closer to me, so she was in the middle of the bed andCole didn’t hesitate. He kicked off his boots and joined us in our bubble.

We lay there for at least an hour talking about baby names, listening to Sadie talk about all the things she wants for her baby girl. I catalogued every one knowing that I would make sure she always felt as loved as I did with her momma. That their baby would live in a world where unconditional love was never a question. I would give her what Sadie had always given me.

chapter 40

luke

. . .

Coming home to a place that feels so familiar, feels like every dream came true, but knowing you had nothing to do with it becoming… if anything you made it harder to become… well its a hard fucking truth.

But I can’t avoid those, I can’t push it down or ignore them… the hard truths.

I have a lot to repair with my family. Mom and Noah came to the rehabilitation centre a few times, dad twice. Every time I'd ask about Bailey, if she would come for one of the family counselling sessions, Noah or dad would shut it down quickly. I sensed it was causing some issues between them and mom. But it wasn’t until my therapist mentioned to my mom that Bailey and I would benefit from individual therapy as well as couples once my time at the centre was done. Mom finally let go of the idea and even though I knew she had hoped that because I was in rehab, we were going to be a happy family again.

But rehab isn't a cure all, the work happens after you identify why you got where you are.

I had overheard Noah on the phone with someone before a family session just before Christmas. He seemed pissed, telling whoever he was talking to that the label was pushing Bailey to do Christmas and New years performances, as well as promotional events for the album. He said it didn’t matter what they said or did there was no way Bailey was leaving home, or Sadie.

The holidays passed quietly and it left me with time to reflect and sit with my feelings. Time to work through them, to see the choices I made along the way and why. Dr Stevens was right, it wasn’t fair of me to put Bailey on an unreachable pedestal. She never once made me feel less than, she never once treated me or us differently after she was signed… Bailey has always been Bailey. And it was me that put the distance between us, a distance so great that I could never reach her.

The more I talked about it, the more I looked at it... I didn’t even know if I actually wanted what I had been chasing. I loved to play music, I loved the feel of the crowd when they got into a song or a set felt electric. But playing with Bailey, writing with her… it felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be in life. She was the dream and yet somehow I got it so twisted in my mind that I pushed her away… so I could feel good enough to be at her side.

I had been home maybe sixty minutes when the urge to explore hit me. Mom was fawning and I needed space. The dry icy January air hit hard when I stepped out of my parents house. I stood on the front porch for a minute just breathing, taking in the four homes that had been built.

From what mom had told me I knew Bailey hadn’t stayed at our…no, her place yet. She has a room at Sadie and Cole’s to help with anything they may need and to be there when the baby is born.

My feet moved without much thought, I guess curiosity about whether she built the home we always talked about or if she changed it. The door was unlocked and when I stepped inside I almost dropped to my knees. I had to stand in the doorway holding myself up while I took everything in and let the feelings come.

Finally I stepped into the house that had no furniture, but I could see it because this is the exact house we had been talking about our whole relationship.

I was lost in memory when I heard the door close behind me, soft footsteps followed and then a very pregnant Sadie was standing beside me. I knew I had tears streaming down my face and before I would have tried to hide them or play them off. But I can’t do that… I don’t want to anymore. She stood quietly beside me for a few minutes before saying, “I figured I’d find you here.”

Ripping off my gloves and shoving them in my coat pockets, I wiped some of the tears from my face, not sure what to say to her. I fucked up, I missed her wedding, I missed so much and now she is dying and I don’t know what to say. I could feel her eyes on my face, so I turned to look at her fully. God… she didn't look like she was dying, with a face so similar to Bailey's, rosy cheeks from the cold and a belly that was making it impossible for her to zip up her jacket.

Dark brown eyes locked on mine and she gave me a soft smile saying, “Hey, Luke.”

I croaked out, “Hey”, as more tears followed.

Sadie gave a sad smile, asking, “You know?”

I nodded trying to get my breathing settled so I could apologize properly, so I could say everything I needed to. But Sadie reached out with hands wrapped in fluffy mittens and wiped my face saying, “It’s good you know, we can skip over all that and get to what we need to talk about.”

Then she turned and walked away, so I followed. We stopped in the kitchen, and someone had brought in a folding table and a couple of chairs.

Sadie gestured to them saying, “She comes here to think or maybe just for quiet.” She scoffed, continuing, “She thinks we don’t know. But every once in a while I will see the smoke coming from the chimney and I know she is here.”

Sadie motioned to the cooktop wood stove that Bailey had on a Pinterest board for years and then moved to one of the cupboards saying, “Can you get a small fire going, it is cold today and I need a tea.” And sure enough there was a basket of fire supplies next to the wood stove and when I turned Sadie had found two mugs, a kettle and Bailey’s favourite tea tucked away out of sight.

We worked in silence, until I had the fire going and when I turned back to Sadie who was watching me quietly, I asked, “Why wouldn’t she want people to know she comes here?”