Page 151 of The Song We Lost

Are they better off without me?

Noah turned and we headed toward a section of the land that seemed to be separated from the main areas, four houses came into view and I didn't even try to stop the sob that tore out of me. Everything we had talked about, every dream we had wished on was right in front of me.

She did it….

Without me…

Because she had to…

I let her down… but Bailey kept on going…

I could barely see our parents standing on a porch of one of the finished houses, the tears blurring my vision. I didn't notice them move or hear the door open, but then I was wrapped in a hug I would know anywhere. My moms arms pulled me in tight as I was enveloped in her scent, her sobs joining mine.

“Oh my god my baby boy.”

“It’s ok Luke.”

“You are home and we've got you.”

I don't know how long we stayed like that. Noah and dads voices drifting in every once in a while, between moms words.

Mom was eventually pulled back, as dad helped me out of the truck and hugged me tight. My eyes drifted instinctively to the right… to the house that hadn’t been finished yet… to the home that I just knew was supposed to be ours.

Exhausted from traveling and the medications the doctor had prescribed me, they brought me to a spare room in the house they had built and told me to rest. That we could talk and make plans when I had more energy.

I managed to sleep through the night, my dreams filled with golden eyes and the sweetest smile I had ever seen. One memory in particular kept playing on loop. It was just after Bailey had signed her contract and it felt like everything was changing so fast. Like someone had hit fastforward. It was the first time I could remember feeling like we weren’t equals anymore. Like she was on a different path than me. We were at an industry bar in Nashville, Rachel and some big time producers had pulled Bailey away to talk to some other big names that were there that night.

I watched from a high top table off to the side as everyone swarmed her, as she shared her light with everyone. I watched how each person who approached her lit up, left a little bit happier, a little bit more inspired. I felt a jealousy I had never once felt before in our relationship. This surge of panic that she would realize she wouldn't need me, that I brought the person I loved the most in this world here and that if I didn’t catch up I would lose her… I would lose everything.

I woke up with a gasp, tears streaming down my face.

Because I did lose her, just not in the way I was terrified of. I pushed her away in an attempt to keep her with me forever.

A wave of nausea hit me all at once and I barely made it out into the hall and into the bathroom. When I was done and able to stand I washed my face with cold water and tried to take in deep breaths. My vision swam for a few minutes and my head split. The feeling of not being in control of my body, of my mind… It was terrifying.

I heard voices coming from the main part of the house and so I followed them leaning against the hallway wall, feeling so weak… so small. I got to the end and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, when I heard my dad.

“Do we think it’s the best idea to have him here where we make and sell hard cider?"

I heard my mom huff, “Thomas what are you saying? That we kick our son out…”

I wanted to walk to them, to tell them it wasn’t like that. That I would be ok… But I was so lightheaded…

“Rose, he has a problem, an addiction. You can’t mother that away.”

I heard my mom sniffle and I opened my eyes determined to get in there. Get to them.

I took a step and my legs almost gave out on me, but Noah was beside me, looping his arm into mine and holding some of my weight, guiding me to the kitchen where mom was standing at the island and dad was seated at the dining table.

Mom looked up at me and made a choking sound before turning her back to us.

I am so sorry…

Noah brought me to the table and after I was settled he moved to mom giving her a kiss on her head, whispering something low just for her and then moving to put the kettle on.I felt dad’s eyes on me, but I kept mine on mom. Wishing I could go to her, tell her it was all going to be ok.

But… I wasn’t… I am not ok…

Noah came up beside me, placing a glass of water and a box of crackers beside me, “Sadie says these are the only things that help when she is nauseous, maybe you can keep them down. I am making you some tea.”