Page 150 of The Song We Lost

The doctor had suggested driving home instead of flying but Noah had shot that down fast, saying he didn’t want to be gone that long. Again, I felt like he wasn’t telling me everything, but he told me to focus on getting well and that he would explain everything when I was in a better headspace. Noah chartered a plane and the doctor had helped with medication that could settle some of my symptoms while we traveled and gave Noah instructions for when I was home and waiting to be admitted to the program the doctor had suggested.

The closer we got to home, the more my anxiety grew. I hadn’t seen Bailey in person since… in months?

How long has it been?

My mind felt like it was muddied… fogged over. Like bits and pieces would reveal itself to me when it felt like it, but when I tried to pull on a memory or piece something… when I tried to get my words to work…

What day is it?

My hands hadn’t stopped shaking and I had lost a lot of weight. I hadn’t noticed until I overheard Noah talking to our parents on the phone when he thought I was sleeping.

I stumbled into the bathroom, flipped on the light and then squeezed my eyes shut trying to keep myself upright, gripping the porcelain sink, feeling the cold surface ground me. When I was steady enough to open my eyes I didn't recognize the man in the mirror. My face was hollow, my once clear dark blue eyes were almost murky, dull. My normally tanned skin looked pale and older then it should. My clothes hanging off my normally muscular frame.

Noah’s words echoed in my mind as I took myself in…

“Dad, he looks like a fucking ghost of himself…”

“No he is not ok, just keeping him at the property will not be enough…”

“He needs help…”

“You will barely recognize him…”

I stood staring at myself, tears streaming down my face, speckling my shirt and the sink, until Noah found me and brought me back to the living room, trying to coax me to eat.

On the flight over he had tried to explain to me how much of the compound had been built, and when he realized I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about he had gotten mad and gone quiet. I stared out the window until I drifted off into memories that my mind was forcing me to see… relive. Every time that Bailey had brought up the compound, every time she talked about the dream and then when she stopped. When she stopped trying because I was already so far away from her. I stopped trying first… I…

I woke up as we landed in Summit City. Noah had told me that Mom and Dad would be waiting for us at our property so that mom wouldn't make a public scene.

Our property… I vaguely remember something being mentioned in the divorce papers… I remember…

I closed my eyes and thought of the last time we were together in the Nashville house. I remember her laptop screen lighting up and pictures… I remember thinking this was still just a plan… but she had told me hadn't she… she had said…

“What is all this?”

She closed her laptop like she had to protect what was on it from me.

“It’s the compound, the orchard. The property back home.”

I was so confused… “You mean the idea?”

“It’s not an idea anymore.”

‘It’s not an idea anymore’kept playing through my mind as Noah drove us out of the city and through towns that had once felt like part of me, like home. But now felt almost like a distant memory. My body hurt, my head splitting, but I forced my eyes to stay open. To take in the moment we crested into a valley and my breath was stolen.

I sucked in a shuddering breath and Noah responded, “This is where the property starts. Mom found it a few years back and Bailey bought it without a fuss…”

He blended into the background, my heartbeat in my ears, as we drove past land that Bailey had bought for our families… all she had done while I was focused on… me.

“It’s not an idea anymore.”

Oh god… Bailey. What have I done?

We drove until we came up to a long lane and Noah shot me a look before pulling in, slowing down and we bounced over the gravel drive.

Out buildings and an orchard pulled my focus…Dad must be so happy.

They all must be…