‘How bad could it possibly be? You were in a dreadful place and not thinking straight. I mean, surely he’ll understand.’
‘I don’t think so, Clara. It’s unforgivable.’
‘You were an addict. You weren’t aware of the consequences of your actions.’
‘Yeah, but what I did was so heinous.’
‘What on earth could be that terrible, Tom?’
He thought carefully about how he was going to phrase what he needed to say before confessing to the worst moment in his journey with alcoholism. He wasn’t convinced Clara would ever understand. Tom took a deep breath and looked at Clara’s beautiful round cheeks and those kissable lips. Was this the moment she would walk away and never look back? There was only one way to find out.
ChapterThirty-Five
A painted lady butterfly fluttered between Clara and Tom, then landed on the edge of the picnic rug. Tom watched it as it took a break before flying off again. Part of him felt like flying off too, but he wasn’t a coward. He was going to say it as it was. He needed to get this conversation with Clara over with so that she could truly understand what he had done.
‘So, where should I start?’
‘Wherever you want to, Tom. I’m all ears.’
Tom rubbed at the back of his neck, and Clara noticed how he bit at his lip. She worried that it would bleed if he bit down any harder.
‘Okay... so, my son and I had always been close. I taught him to play cricket. To ride a bike without stabilisers. We’d go fishing at the weekend but that all stopped around a year before Diana left. I tried to be a good dad, I really did, but it didn’t work out like that. Before I tell you what I did, you have to understand that I’d lost my job; I had absolutely nothing left but desperation.’
‘Right. I get you were down on your luck. You were obviously going through a tough time. What exactly happened?’
‘Before I go on, I want you to know that I don’t actually remember doing this... Also, I’ve never done anything like it before or after.’ Tom drank from the glass of Shloer that was quickly being emptied.
‘I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud. You’re the only person I’ve ever told the whole truth to. Even Pat doesn’t know the full story.’
‘I’m grateful to you for being so honest, Tom. That truly means a lot.’
So many scenarios went through Clara’s head. She had heard all sorts of stories in her lifetime but she had no idea where Tom was about to take her.
‘I never thought I’d stoop this low but my son and his mother came to see me, as Josh had received his credit card bill. They were both screaming at me. In fact, they were both shouting at me so much I couldn’t quite grasp what they were saying at first. I’d also been drinking since morning so it was all a bit fuzzy. But, basically, someone had run up thousands on Josh’s credit card at Bargains for Booze. I argued that one of his mates must have stolen his credit card. Why would it be anything to do with me? Of course, they didn’t believe that. Josh also remembered that his credit card was out on the table when he stayed over. He’d done some online shopping and, being the messy youngster he is, left his card out.’
‘So, are you saying what I think you are?’
‘I am. I am ashamed to say that I stole my own son’s credit card so I could spend thousands on booze. Yes, that’s right. I stole from my own son. The boy I loved so much. How low can you possibly stoop?’
Clara may have seen addiction cause all sorts of problems, but looking at Tom with his clear skin and perfect smile, it proved how you could never stereotype an addict. This middle-class, trustworthy accountant had never done anything illegal, or immoral in his life, until he was gripped by alcohol dependency.
She tipped her head compassionately to one side. ‘You obviously weren’t thinking straight.’
‘Too right I wasn’t. The thing is that, truthfully, I didn’t care who I hurt when I was drinking. All I cared about was that hit. When I sobered up, I was horrified. How could I forgive myself? After I did this terrible thing to Josh, I checked myself into rehab the first time around and that’s when I met Pat. I realised how low I’d sunk. I knew I needed help.’
‘Did you tell Josh you were in rehab?’
‘Yup. I wrote to him and said how sorry I was and that I was seeking help, but he didn’t reply. I asked him to come and see me so that I could apologise, but instead, I got a letter from Diana telling me never to darken their door again. That if I dared get in touch with Josh again, they’d organise a restraining order.’
‘Oh dear.’
‘So, when you wouldn’t visit me and didn’t respond to me from rehab, it wasn’t the first time I’d been snubbed,’ said Tom, giving Clara a wry smile.
‘Oh, Tom. I’m sorry but I thought it was for the best for us both to not get in touch. And I still think it was the right decision.’
‘Yes, you were right to do that, as I said last night. It made me all the more determined.’
‘I suppose what I don’t get is what happened this time around. I can kind of understand what you did the first time. You made a big mistake and paid the price, but I don’t get why you fell off the wagon. I thought we were happy together. You had choir and your faith. Everything was going right for you now.’
