‘Yes. My faith was what got me through the first time. It was the twelve steps through AA that was my route to becoming a Christian later in life.’
‘Right. That makes sense. So, you asked God to remove your shortcomings and sought help through prayer and meditation?’
‘You got it. I repeat the steps daily and know them all off by heart. You see – “To improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”’
‘Impressive. But I still don’t get why you started drinking again?’
‘I didn’t deal well with Josh’s twenty-first and that’s all it boiled down to. I always imagined when he was small what we would do on his twenty-first. Maybe a party, a family holiday? Instead, we were estranged and I couldn’t even say happy birthday to him for fear of a restraining order. I hated myself. It was all my fault.’
Tom stopped for a moment. He felt like the weight had been lifted off his shoulders now that he had told the woman he loved the whole truth. There were no more secrets and Clara hadn’t run away yet.
‘Oh, Tom. I guess your wife leaving you was the final straw for what was already becoming an addiction. Nobody knows how they’ll react in terrible circumstances unless they’ve been through that situation. I suppose that was merely the catalyst for you.’
‘Yeah, I lost my wife because of my behaviour, and so now I felt I didn’t deserve your love either. For the first time since our break-up, I adored someone. I fell so hard for you that it terrified me. What if I messed up? What if we fell head over heels, which, let’s face it, was where I knew I was heading. What if you left me because I was so flawed? If you somehow found out that I was a thief and an alcoholic? Who would want to stay with someone like that? So, I got scared. I doubted myself. I felt I wasn’t worthy. That’s what I’ve worked on in rehab. I finally realised that, as you said yourself, I have paid the price. My son won’t speak to me and I pushed the woman I was falling in love with away. I’ve had enough punishment and now I feel it’s time for me to start living and loving life. The truth is that all I want is to be with you.’
Clara’s heart swelled with pride. She couldn’t help admire the way he had overcome the adversity and begun to love himself again. She had always believed that you had to love yourself first before you could find love. She felt that this is where she might have gone wrong in her relationships, or lack of them. She didn’t care enough for herself. She knew that instead of looking after her own well-being, she always put everyone in front of her own needs. That cliché about putting on your own oxygen mask first was wasted on Clara. She had always been the type of person to help everyone else with their oxygen masks and only putting hers on when she was struggling to breathe.
‘I really do appreciate you telling me all of this. I know how hard it must have been for you. It’s nowhere near the same but I know how hard it is to change. I mean, I’ve lived here all my life, never doing anything exciting. I just take the path of least resistance. It’s so easy to stay in your comfort zone. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t ever had any serious relationships. I was too afraid. All of us have our problems, even if they’re not obvious to the outside world.’
She felt that Tom didn’t need to know how she had never been paid much attention by men. They always preferred bubbly, fun Eleanora with her long dark hair and those striking green eyes. Although she never minded one bit as this took the focus off Clara who could stay as a wallflower, safely in the background.
Tom took Clara by the hand.
‘I can’t imagine you being afraid of anything. You’re so confident. You’re one of those women who seem to have life sussed out. As though you always have all the answers. You’re so gregarious.’
Clara let out one of her loud honking laughs.
‘Oh, Tom. That’s so funny. Do you really think that? It’s all a bit of an act, I’m afraid. When I’m at the pulpit I take on this persona. Sometimes, when I first get up there, I pretend I’m an actress, vying for a part in Hollywood. Then I look around and see the friendly faces and realise I have nothing to be afraid of. But do you know how nerve-wracking it is to have this sea of faces waiting for you to speak, listening to every word you say? Somehow though, when I’m in work I can distance myself and be more confident because it’s like I’m playing a role. It’s when I’m outside and in the real world that I’m filled with doubt, especially when it comes to the opposite sex.’
‘I can’t believe that. You certainly seem very natural when you’re with me. I’d never have thought that.’
‘That’s the strange thing. You’re the only man I’ve ever met who’s made me feel comfortable being around. You don’t scare me, or make me afraid of putting my foot in it. From the moment we met, I felt safe around you. If this were a cheesy movie, I’d say it was as if we’d met in a former life.’
‘I’m glad to hear that because I feel exactly the same way. I want you to know that I’d only ever cherish you.’
Clara leaned in to give Tom a hug, then pulled away because she hadn’t quite finished what she needed to tell him.
‘You know, I once read that the person who gives you butterflies and makes you nervous to be around isn’t the right one; even though it feels exciting and your adrenaline is pumping. No. The person you should be with is the one who makes you feel special. The one who makes you feel serene, and you do just that, Tom. I know we’ve had a bit of a scare but I think I’m ready to embrace the two of us. Let’s give it a go.’
‘You’ll give me a proper chance, even after everything I’ve told you? Seriously?’ Tom’s eyes filled with tears, relieved at the thought of Clara’s forgiveness.
‘Seriously!’ said Clara with a big smile.
‘Oh, Clara. I couldn’t want anything more. I was beginning to believe that you wouldn’t want to be around someone like me. Someone who sometimes didn’t even like what he saw in the mirror.’
‘It’s not always easy to love yourself. I have my moments myself.’
‘Why wouldyounot love yourself? Look at you, you’re practically perfect.’
She let out one of her uproarious laughs. ‘Oh, Tom. If only.’
‘You are. I wish you saw what I see when I look at you.’
Clara felt her cheeks go warm, a combination of the sun and Tom’s gaze.
‘I guess it started during my childhood. I always tried to please my mother. As much as I loved her, I often felt as though I wasn’t good enough. She was like a Stepford wife, I guess. She was beautiful, good at everything, and I was too clumsy and gangly growing up to ever be like her.’
‘You, Clara, are neither clumsy nor gangly.’
