‘Some Shloer, Clara?’ He poured both of them a glass, knowing that he was going to need something for his dry mouth during this difficult conversation.
Clara took a sip of it.
‘Ooh, lovely. I haven’t tasted Shloer since I was 12 and thought I was drunk. I even thought I was going to be sick, but maybe that’s because I drank a whole bottle of it.’
She looked away, regretting her words. ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t joke about that sort of thing, should I.’
‘No, It’s fine. I don’t want you thinking it’s an elephant in the room – or the field,’ said Tom, smiling and gesturing to the open space. ‘On that note, I said that I needed to share something with you...’
‘Yes, and what a jolly lovely picnic you’re sharing with me too.’
‘I don’t mean the food. I mean... I want you to know about my past. I need you to know something before you leave for Cambridge.’
‘Okay. I thought we weren’t going to say the C-word.’ Clara swallowed nervously.
‘No, it’s not about Cambridge. It’s about me. So, firstly, you know the bit about me being a recovering alcoholic...’
‘I do, yes.’
‘Well, that’s only half of it.’
‘I guessed that there was more somehow.’
Clara leaned over to touch Tom’s hand. She stroked it gently, just as she had done when he was vulnerable in the hospital.
‘I loved my family, I really did. I never meant to let them down. The booze just took hold of me. I was told an uncle of mine was an alcoholic. Sometimes I used to blame my genes, but it was only me to blame. It wasn’t genetic. It was greed and addiction. I loved a drink and the way it made me feel. It helped me handle my emotions.’
‘It’s easy to do that. A lot of people love a drink to relax, Tom.’
‘Yeah, but it’s how I handled it all.’
Tom took a swig of Shloer, pausing for a moment.
‘I was having problems at work and I was stressed. It started with a drink to unwind after a day in the office. Then it escalated before I even realised. I began to look forward to finishing work so I could stop by the pub on the way home. That first pint seemed to solve everything. This drink worked so magically. Then I’d go home and continue. I kept thinking, one day I wouldn’t need the booze. If only work was easier, then I wouldn’t need it. Alcohol was my crutch to surviving work, but then my wife had an affair. She left me for this guy who paid her a lot more attention than I did. I couldn’t really blame her, I guess. I didn’t even put up a fight. There was no shouting or arguing. She left, taking Josh, and then there was nothing left for me to get up for.’
‘Oh, Tom.’
‘It’s okay. I was awful to be around. I know I was.’
‘I’m sure you weren’t.’
‘I can assure you I was an absolute nightmare. The only friends I had left were the drinkers. The ones I used to play squash with and the circle of friends I had when I was married all dumped me. Nobody wanted to hang around with the loser who wanted to go to the pub as soon as the doors opened. Although it wasn’t even about the pub. I’d hide cans of lager everywhere. I’d be in the utility room, pretending to do the laundry and coughing to disguise the noise of the can opening when Josh would come over to see me. I even used to carry around mints, thinking he wouldn’t notice. I thought I was tolerating it well and would pretend to open my first can in the evening. Josh didn’t find out that I had lost my job in accounts until...’
Clara passed Tom a tissue from her bag as he started to cry. He had never told another person any of this next part before. However, as he worked his way towards what he had to tell Clara, he knew that he was fixed. This was his biggest step yet. He could finally talk about it. While it would always be upsetting, he could now find the words to admit to his past. He was no longer afraid of the awful truth.
‘Oh, Clara. You see, I lost all control after Diana left. I didn’t know what I was doing and that’s how I became estranged from my son.’
Tears streamed down Tom’s face as he sobbed.
‘I miss him so much.’
‘I’m sure he’d understand now you’ve come out of rehab. Can’t you reach out to him? Tell him you’re sorry for your previous behaviour.’
‘Not really, no. He never wants to hear from me again. He’s made it clear. He’s done with me after what I did.’
‘You’ve recovered from all the drinking, so I don’t see why he should forever hold it against you.’
‘It’s not that. I did something unspeakable. Really unspeakable.’
