‘Yeah, I was beginning to guess that but it’s okay; things happen. We all react to stress and outside influences differently. Have you sought help for it?’
‘Yup. Been a member of AA for two years.’
‘I see. I suppose it’s a bit soon, but does your mentor know anything about last night?’
‘Nope, not yet. I’m so ashamed. He’s always been so patient. I don’t deserve everyone’s time. I’m just a waste of their effort and resources. There’s no hope for me.’
‘Goodness, Tom! Don’t dare say such things. Why would you be so hard on yourself? Everyone makes mistakes.’
‘Some of us more than others.’
‘No, you made one slip-up. It’s okay. So, you’re an alcoholic who got help and recognised it was an issue. What’s there to be ashamed of? You turned yourself around, didn’t you?’
‘I turned myself around and then did it again. I’m such a fool.’
‘You’re not a fool, Tom.’
‘I am, and anyhow, it’s what I did before I turned myself around that matters. My penance is to live with the guilt, the shame and all the pain I must carry.’
‘Come on. Nobody needs to carry pain with them. Why would you think like that? What on earth did you do? I want to understand what’s going on. Would it help you to tell me?’
‘No. I don’t want to talk about what I’ve done, or why I did it.’ Tom couldn’t meet Clara’s gaze. He felt his cheeks burn and pressed his hand against his face. He wasn’t a born liar, and he wasn’t very good at being put on the spot.
‘But I can’t help you if I don’t know. How bad can it possibly be?’
Tom finally looked up at Clara and shook his head. He let out a groan.
‘Seriously, you don’t want to hear it. All I’ll say is that I lost my family because of stuff I did, so it’s pretty bad. When my wife had enough of me loving alcohol more than her and then disappointing my son in ways that fill me with self-hatred, I don’t believe I deserve forgiveness of any kind.’
‘Firstly, Tom, everyone deserves forgiveness if they realise they’ve done wrong. Secondly, you have a son? I had no idea.’
‘Yup. He’s grown up now.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me about him before?’
‘Because we’re estranged. There’s nothing to say. It was his birthday the day of the... Never mind.’ Tom’s chin was quivering. He felt a thickness well up in his throat.
‘The day of the what?’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
Tom took a deep breath to steady his nerves as Clara thought back to how Tom had been contactable and always reliable until the strawberry afternoon tea.
‘The day of my charity tea. Was that his birthday?’
‘Yup. I’m sorry. That’s why I let you down. I couldn’t face it.’
‘Ah. I see. It’s not a problem but I wish you’d have told me it wasn’t a good day for you. There I was going on about it and I guess you just agreed with everything I said to keep the peace. It didn’t matter if you weren’t there but it was such a momentous thing for us to announce ourselves as a couple there. I was disappointed.’
Clara hated confronting Tom when he was so vulnerable and played with her ring, pulling it on and off. She knew it wasn’t the best timing to say this but it was still at the forefront of her mind.
‘Well, I guess we’re no longer a couple now.’
‘I don’t know what we are, Tom. I’ve loved every moment with you and I know that I can’t bear to see you like this.’
‘I’ll get help. I promise.’
Clara noticed that Tom had tears in his eyes and she grasped hold of his hand to comfort him. As much as she wanted to believe that he would get help, she needed him to be honest and tell her everything.
