Sara: I heard they have prisons on those big ships. Are you in solitary confinement?
Kat: I wish – I’m sharing with Heidi! Don’t get me started.
I heard footsteps stropping down the corridor and poked my head out.
‘Back already! How did it…?’ I trailed off as Leo shook his head.
‘Apparently, we have no choice,’ Heidi said, with a face like thunder, as Thiago announced our imminent departure over the Tannoy. ‘We just have to suck it up.’
‘Oh well, first-world problems, amiright?’ Leo winced. ‘Poor us, having to cope with a single bed on this seven-star cruise. Millions of people would trade places with us in a snip.’
Heidi’s eyes looked like they were about to pop out of her head as she ignored him and barged past me into our room. Leo disappeared next door with a wave and there was a lot of disgruntled grumbling from Zach as he calmly explained the situation. I was sure that if I put my ear to the wall, I’d be able to hear every single word. So much for avoiding the pair of them.
‘This was such a bad idea,’ Heidi said. ‘We haven’t even set off yet and I’m already regretting coming. We should have booked our own cabin and billed it back – at least then we’d be getting the full customer experience from start to finish.’
‘Well, we’re here now so let’s make the best of it. I’m happy with either bunk, so you choose,’ I said, eyeing up the mini curtains on the lower bunk that were presumably there to give the staff an inch of privacy. It was ridiculously cramped.
‘I know it’ll be difficult, but let’s stay as far away from those guys next door as we can,’ Heidi said, folding herself in half and posting her body into the bottom bunk.
‘Hmm-mm.’ I found a packet of Haribo in my bag and offered her one. She needed some sugar and coffee and then maybe a wine. ‘We won’t be in here much, anyway – let’s just use it for sleeping.’
‘That was Brooke’s suggestion too, when we were eventually allowed in to speak to her. Seeing the size of her suite makesthiseven harder to tolerate,’ she said, looking around in despair. ‘She’s got a wrap-around ocean view and a rotating bed, lounging around like Lady Muck while we’re packed in here like pickled eggs. We need space to get ready and do our hair and paint our nails. And to relax. Andbreathefor fuck’s sake.’
She kicked the mattress above her in fury. It was my turn to calm her down.
‘We’ll be OK, Heidi, don’t worry,’ I said, but even I didn’t believe it. ‘We can book daily appointments in the spa and hairdresser’s and charge it back. I’ll make friends with Barbie Queue and maybe she’ll lend us her dressing room to get ready in.’
She stopped for a second at that. ‘Do you think she would?’
‘Sure, why not? Let’s leave our bags for now and go and find the bar. We’ll feel much better after a decent Bloody Mary and a bacon sandwich.’
Heidi nodded quietly and picked up her purse. She was well-known to have the occasional strop, but hers weren’t panic attacks; they were impatience and entitlement. It was hard to accept a clear no when you always got your own way.
Five
We squirrelled our clothes away when we got back from the bar and stashed both suitcases under the bed, exploring all the nooks and crannies the cabin had to offer to see what we could fit where. The room was impressively space-efficient considering its size, with hooks on all the doors and secret storage everywhere. Brooke had said there was a chance a bigger cabin might ‘come up’ but I couldn’t see how if all the guests had already checked in. If there weren’t any spare rooms now, then there weren’t going to be, unless there was an unexpected Man Overboard situation, which seemed a bit extreme to hope for. I didn’t mind some short-term inconvenience and discomfort for the greater good, but Heidi was going to be a challenge. We’d have to find some workarounds to make it bearable for her. Maybe we could pop an ‘Out of Order’ sign on the ladies’ loos and commandeer them to get ready in.Esmeraldawould be dropping anchor in the Azores, Madeira, and Lisbon, so wecould book into a hotel on those nights, unless Thiago had to count us back onto the boat each night.
Brooke had set up a group chat to connect us all and named it ‘Life’s a Pitch’.Hilarious.Her original suggestion had been ‘You better work, Pitch’ in honour of Britney, but the rest of us weren’t keen. A message flashed up to say she’d be waiting on the Sun Deck once we’d finished freshening up. Our ‘air conditioning’ was an angry fan clunking in the corner, and I was feeling anything but fresh as Heidi and I squeezed around each other in our rush to get ready, both desperate to get outside.
‘Ready to go?’ Heidi asked.
‘Yup. Tits and teeth,’ I replied, with big eyes and a winning smile. We do-si-do-ed the door to leave the cabin, just as Leo and Zach were slamming theirs shut.
‘The first summoning,’ Zach said, with a wry smile.
‘Seems that way,’ Heidi replied, po-faced. She obviously didn’t want to waste her tits and teeth on him.
Leo was carrying an open laptop, as if he was working on the go, and I hadn’t even brought a notepad. I’d been expecting a ‘welcome drinks’ kind of vibe and only had my lipstick and phone.
‘May the best women win,’ I called, as they walked ahead.
‘We’ll see about that,’ Leo shot back. ‘You might want to start putting the feelers out on LinkedIn. What’s that flag they have again, Zach?’
‘Open to work,’ he said.
‘You’d know,’ Heidi quipped as she strode after them. ‘You’ve used it often enough.’
‘Still stalking my social media after all these years, eh? You need to move on, Heidi.’
