And God, I hated that he could read me like a book. It had always been this way, even when we were kids. He’s always been able to tell what emotions I was feeling, even if I didn’t have words for them. It was another reminder of how ingrained in my life he was, and how this decision—this potentially stupid, disastrous decision we were about to make—affected more than just us.
“I think this is probably a terrible idea.”
He was already shaking his head. “It’s not.”
“How can you be so sure?”
He cupped my cheeks and tilted my head until our gazes met. God, I could get lost in his green eyes.
“I’m gonna ask you again. Do you trust me?” he asked.
“Yes.”
I trusted him implicitly, even if it kind of scared the shit out of me.
“Okay, that’s the most important thing. So let’s talk about this.”
I nibbled my lip, grabbed his hand, and then pulled him to my side of the room. He sat down in the same chair that had changed my fate to begin with. The list was still in the notebook on my desk.
I didn’t sit. I couldn’t. I had too many nerves going crazy in my body to sit still right now.
“I just…okay. So. Hypothetically, if we do this, whatexactlywould it look like because this only works if we’re very clear. Like, crystal clear. Because ambiguity is what causes confusion and sets people up for feelings to get involved, and that’s not whatwe’redoing here.”
I stopped in front of my dresser, gesturing between us, then immediately started pacing again.
“We need rules. Boundaries. I need to know what happens if I panic. Or freeze. Or laugh. I laugh when I’m nervous, which is not”—I waved a hand—”sexy.”
I shot him a look. He was still calm. Annoyingly calm and if I wasn’t mistaken it looked like he was biting back a laugh, but his eyes gave him away. They shone with a mix of intrigue and maybe even a little heat, but I couldn’t keep looking at him while my brain was spiraling.
“And what if this changes things? Because you’re very good at compartmentalizing. You’ve had plenty of practice.” The words came out sharper than I meant, so I rushed on. “Which isn’t a judgment. It’s just a fact. But I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I can just…put you back where you belong afterward. I’ve never had unattached sex.”
I crossed the room, then doubled back, hugging my arms to my chest. His silence was concerning, and I glanced over at him just as he reached for my notebook.
“What are you doing?” I asked, panic hitting me square in the chest, which was stupid because he’d already seen the damn thing.
“Just refreshing my memory,” he said.
I stomped over and slammed the cover closed. “Well, don’t. We have to talk about this.”
“Ava, what’s there to talk about? You want to have sex and try these things. And I’m really good at sex and could do all of these things no problem.”
“Are you not concerned about what will happen if Drew finds out?”
“Why should he find out?”
His eyes once again gave him away as he dropped them to the carpet. Hewasnervous. So he was just pretending to be strong for me?
“Why are you so eager to do this with me?”
That was the question that had been rolling around in my mind. We were friends, but not close friends. He was my brother’s friend and had always been very consistently in that box. So why would he do this for me?
“I told you; I know you. You need someone you can trust who won’t take advantage of you and won’t hurt you. You really think you could do bondage with someone you don’t trust or know that well? You know I would never put you in a situation that would cause you harm.”
It was true. I did know that.
“So you’re trying to tell me you’re just doing this out of the goodness of your heart?”
Now,thatI found doubtful.
