Then again, she didn’t know fully how dark my thoughts were.
Even though she lost her mother, she still had Lorelai. She still had her sibling.
I didn’t have mine.
Karla waved at me and smiled a little.
I looked away from her, because I couldn’t face her compassion. I couldn’t take in her care, because it reminded me of how broken I was.
I’m so fucking broken.
I turned on my heels and walked toward the exit of the church. I loosened my tie, which felt as if it was choking me to death. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t—
I hurried out of the church and shot around to the side of the building. Without a moment of hesitation, I started to upchuck everything in my stomach. Which wasn’t much. I hadn’t eaten in days.
“Ash,” a voice called.
Fuck.
It was her voice.
My mind felt dizzy as I stood after vomiting. I wiped the back of my sleeve against my mouth, feeling embarrassed that Karla was witnessing me falling apart.
“Are you OK?” she asked, rushing over and touching my shoulder.
The second her hand landed against me, I felt a wave of warmth shoot through my system.
I stepped away from her.
I didn’t like the comfort of her touch. I didn’t want her comfort. I wanted to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to fucking die.
“I’m fine,” I grumbled, turning away from her. But I wasn’t. My mind was spinning. I felt as if I was going to pass out from a lack of sleep and a broken heart. After Rian, I thought my heart had shattered as much as it could. Dad proved to me that broken pieces could shatter even more.
It felt as if there was nothing left of me.
“You should sit down. You look pale,” Karla said, reaching out to touch me, but I stepped away too fast.
“What are you doing here?” I snapped at her. I didn’t know why I snapped, but I did. I didn’t know why I was reacting in such a cold way. But her warmth bothered me. I didn’t want it. I didn’t deserve it.
I should’ve never left Dad to go to North Carolina.
Maybe if I stayed, he’d still be here.
Maybe if I would’ve hung out with Rian the night of his death, he would’ve still been here. Then Dad would’ve never overworked, then my parents would’ve never fought, then Maa and I would’ve never moved away, then Rian and Dad would’ve both still been alive.
But I didn’t hang out with Rian on the night that he took his life.
I hung out with my friends instead.
I told him we’d hang out tomorrow, and tomorrow never came.
It was my fault. All of this happened because of me.
