I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to fucking die.
“Ash—”
“I don’t want you here, Karla,” I told her, shooting a cold stare her way. She looked confused. I didn’t blame her. I hated how mean I was coming off. I hated that I was pushing heraway. But I needed her to go. I couldn’t have her hold me again, because if she did, I’d beg for her to never let me go.
But I didn’t want comfort.
I wanted the pain to drown me until it swept me away.
“You don’t mean that. You’re grieving... you’re sad, Ash,” Karla said, taking a few steps toward me.
My heart skipped the moment she grew closer.
I shut my eyes. “Please, Karla... just... go,” I breathed out as tears started to fall down my face.
“No,” she disagreed. “I won’t leave you.”
“I don’t want you here,” I told her. “I want you to go.”
“You don’t—”
“Why won’t you fucking leave me the fuck alone?!” I shouted, my voice cracking as the words flew out of my mouth. Karla’s eyes widened. The hurt that washed over her face broke those shattered pieces of my heart into even smaller shreds.
Make it stop.
Please, heart. Please stop feeling.
“Karla,” a voice called out from behind us. I looked up to see Greyson and Ellie standing there. He looked at me and then toward his daughter. He pushed out a tight, pained smile. “I think maybe we should go.”
“But Dad...” Karla started.
Greyson walked over to his daughter and wrapped an arm around her. “It’s OK. Let’s just give him some space to breathe.” He gave me a broken smile. “We’re so sorry for your loss, Ash.”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
With haste, Karla broke out of her father’s grip and then darted toward me, wrapping her arms around me. “I’m so sorry, Ash,” she cried, holding me tight. “I’m so, so sorry,” she said. She covered me in her concern, in her love, and she didn’t let go for a while.
“Please, Karla, please,” I whispered against her. “Please let me go.”
She didn’t want to, but she let go. The moment she did, I hurried back into the church, not turning back to look at her. I wanted to, but I couldn’t; I wouldn’t. I couldn’t let her and her warmth wash over me too much. I didn’t want comfort. I wanted to die.
That afternoon, I let go of the light, and I slipped deep into my own darkness.
33Karla
After the funeral, Ash went back to North Carolina. Dad told me to not take Ash’s reaction at the funeral personally because death made things hard. He didn’t have to explain to me how hard death was for the living, though. I knew that already. Which was why it was so important for me to let Ash know that I was there for him and that he didn’t have to grieve by himself.
I called him that night.
He didn’t call me back.
***
I called him every day for a month straight.
