I didn’t know what kind of love it was. Was it a friendly love? Was it a romantic love? I didn’t know the answer to those questions, but in the moment I didn’t care.
Ash Banks loved me. And I loved him back.
***
Ash and I talked all the time, going back and forth about our dreams and goals. We talked about our future and how one day he’d get a cat named Rolls, and I’d get one named Royce, in honor of Rian, whose favorite car was a Rolls-Royce. Ash told me that once his father took Rian to a car show, and his brother fell in love with a Rolls-Royce. Rian took dozens of photographs of the cars and hung them in his bedroom. I asked Ash if they still had the pictures, and he said yes, that they were still hanging in Rian’s room. He then told me he’d show me one day, but he wasn’t strong enough to go into that room yet.
Ash was also the only person outside of my family who ever called me to check in on how I was doing. I didn’t know why, but a part of me thought Missy and Brian would feel guilty and come to visit me at some point, but they never showed up.
I had to make peace with letting them all go. It was easierbecause I had Ash in my life. He had a way of making things feel better, just by talking to me.
I’d sit in my closet, surrounded by my mom’s love, talking to him late into the night. Sometimes, Dad would find me sleeping in my closet with Ash still on the line, and he’d tell him good night.
I found myself lying in bed often thinking about spring break and Ash and me. I wondered if we’d be shy about the possibilities of what it would look like if we explored being more than friends. I wondered if I’d be too embarrassed to kiss him or embarrassed to even hug him, even though I wanted to do both of those things.
I wanted to kiss him as he hugged me, and I wanted to do it again and again.
I prayed for more than friends. I prayed for more of us.
Sadly, my prayers must’ve been lost in the wind, because the dream of more with Ash was shattered before we even had a chance to see each other again.
The week before Ash was set to come visit for spring break, he called me late one night. I answered, and he was quiet on the other line. “Hello?” I asked again.
“Hey, Karla. Sorry to call so late... it’s just...” Ash’s tone made my heart skip a few beats. He sounded heartbroken as he spoke to me. “It’s my dad.”
“What about him?”
“He died.”
My mind couldn’t wrap around his words. I gasped as I held the phone to my ear. “Oh my goodness, what? What happened? How? Are you OK?” I began to spiral, feeling unsure of what I could do for him.
“There was a conflict on one of his calls at work. He ended up getting shot on the scene, and he didn’t make it. His partner,Chase, was with him and...” Ash’s words faded off. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I felt as if I was too far away to help, when all I wanted to do was give him a hug.
“I’m so sorry, Ash. I can come down there to visit you. I can come to you, I can—”
“Let me call you back,” he whispered as he choked on a sob. “I’ll call you back.”
The way he said it made me hesitate. He sounded so heartbroken that I wasn’t sure how to make him feel better at all. I wasn’t certain there was anything I could do to fix him, to fix the situation. All I knew was that he was breaking.
I remembered what that felt like when Mom passed away—like all the air in my lungs was knocked out of me. It felt like drowning. So the moment Ash came back to Chicago, I needed to be there for him.
I couldn’t—and wouldn’t—let him drown.
32Ash
I wanted to die.
The whole flight back to Chicago, that was the only thought going through my mind. I wanted to fucking die. I couldn’t believe Dad was gone. Hell, my mind hardly grasped the fact that my little brother was gone, and now I was forced to deal with more death, more loss, more pain.
I wasn’t certain how much more I could take, if I was honest.
I hadn’t talked to Karla since I called her the night that my father died. She’d called me and emailed me and texted me, but I couldn’t find the strength to message her back. My mind was too fucked up.
The day of the funeral, I was shocked when I looked up at the pews of the church and I saw Karla sitting there with her father on her left side and Ellie on her right. Karla’s grandmother, Claire, sat beside Mr.East with Lorelai in her lap. Lorelai noticed me, and her eyes looked sad. That made me sad, because that girl was always so happy. It just was a reminder that my world was heavy, and it was affecting those around me. Even sweet Lorelai.
But her eyes weren’t the saddest. That award belonged to Karla.
The moment my eyes locked with Karla’s, I felt my heart break even more. Maybe it was because I saw the heaviness there. Maybe it was because I knew if anyone understood what I was feeling, it was her.
