“I thought we could go visit your mom to wish her a Merry Christmas,” he replied. He gestured toward Lorelai and me. “Want to go grab your coats?”
He was going to visit Mom? Last year, he couldn’t bring himself to visit her on Christmas Day. I sneaked out to visit her on my own and cried at her tombstone. This year, Dad was asking Lorelai and me to join him on a visit. The two of us hopped up and grabbed our coats.
We drove in silence until we reached the cemetery. As we walked over toward Mom’s tombstone, I noticed other people visiting with their own loved ones. Even though I missed Mom, it didn’t feel as heavy as it did last winter when I showed up to the cemetery. Maybe because I wasn’t alone this time. Maybe I just needed Dad to be around me more so I could feel stronger.
Maybe he needed the same thing from me. The three of us sat at Mom’s grave sharing our favorite memories of her. Stories that used to make me cry now made me laugh. Others that used to make me laugh now made me cry. It was odd how that worked.
“This is where I came,” I finally confessed, staring at Mom’s name engraved in front of me. “When I was skipping school, I’d come here to be with her. It’s where I felt the most OK—when I was around Mom. It felt like she always had something to tell me, but I couldn’t hear her. I couldn’t figure it out.”
Dad gave me a gentle smile. “I used to visit her tombstone too after she passed. And I felt the same way. Like there wassomething she was trying to say to us, but I couldn’t even figure it out.”
“Why didn’t you guys just ask her?” Lorelai questioned with bent brows. “I ask Mommy stuff all the time, and she answers.”
Dad pulled my little sister closer to his side. “For some people it’s easier, I guess, Lorelai. Some people are able to hold a very tight relationship with their loved ones after they’ve passed away.”
“Yeah, Mom and I are best friends,” she confidently said. “You should try just talking to her.”
“How do you do it, Lorelai?” I asked. “How do you talk to her and know that she hears you?”
She shrugged. “You just gotta believe.”
I swallowed hard and took a deep breath as I closed my eyes.Just believe.“Hey, Mom, it’s me, Karla. I just wanted to say that I miss you a lot. Every day, and it never really gets easier. I miss your bad jokes, and your laughter, and your terrible taste in music. I miss how you could make my bad days better. And how you could stop me from hurting whenever someone was mean to me.” Tears started rolling down my cheeks, and Dad wiped them away as I kept talking. “And I miss hugging you. I miss hugging you so much, but Dad’s been doing a pretty good job of being there lately for the hugs. So yeah. We’re not OK with you being gone, but we’re OK. We’re looking out for one another, and I just wanted you to know that. We’re OK, and I love you.”
I opened my eyes and wiped the tears away.
“See, Karla?” Lorelai whispered. “Did you hear it?”
“Hear what?”
“Mommy said she loves you too.”
***
After visiting Mom, I didn’t know why, but I felt pulled to finally read Ellie’s letter. Something in my heart was tugging at me to read her words.
Karla,
I feel like there are not enough words in the universe for me to express how sorry I am for how everything unfolded, but I am going to try my best to do exactly that. I guess the best way to approach this is to go back to the beginning.
I was in high school when I lost my mother to cancer. I was young, lost, and broken. That was exactly when your father came into my life. He showed up during my darkest days and brought me his light.
He knew of my hurting, and he called my scars beautiful.
He was my first love, but it wasn’t simply a romantic thing. He wasn’t even my boyfriend, and I could count on two fingers the number of times we kissed in our youth.
He was just him, I was me, and we were us.
Your father saved me. Without him, I’m certain I would’ve drowned.
Losing a mother is a unique kind of loss.
A mother understands your heartbeats when you cannot even interpret their sounds. They see you as magnificent even when you feel like you’re so unworthy of love. They calm the doubts that wreak havoc on your soul. They show you what unconditional love is from the day you take your first breath. Sometimes it feels like they know you better than you’ll ever know yourself, and then, one day, they are gone.
You feel cheated. Cheated on the things that they haven’t yet taught. Cheated on the lessons you still needed to learn. Cheated out of laughter, and smiles, and comfort, and love.
But what I’ve learned with time is that my mother is still around me. I see her in everything. Whenever there is beauty, that is where my mother exists.
I know she’s never gone, no matter what reality tries to tell me, because my heart is crafted from her love, and as long as it beats, she lives on.
