I leaned over and picked it up to read the message.
Karla:Good. I was getting worried.
I sat up a little and smirked at her message.
Ash:You like me so much that you were worrying, huh?
Karla:Don’t let that comment inflate your big head. I meant nothing by it.
Ash:My head is already tripling in size. Why aren’t you asleep?
Karla:Couldn’t sleep. Kept checking my phone to hear from you.
I smiled.
Karla:Go to sleep. Talk tomorrow. Night, Ash. Glad you made it safely.
I texted her good night. Then I lay back down and dreamt about her. Which, in turn, meant I dreamt about home.
29Karla
After Ash left for North Carolina, I struggled a lot. To be fair, I hadn’t been OK for a very long time. That was hard to admit to myself. I was so far from OK that each morning felt like nighttime when I climbed out of bed, and that was on the days I was able to get up. Sometimes my mind and body were so exhausted, I stayed in bed.
Dad, Grandma Claire, and Lorelai would lay with me on those days. I’d tell them to leave, but they wouldn’t.
I was embarrassed to admit that I still thought about ending my life after Ash and Dad found me in the cemetery. I felt ashamed of the fact that I didn’t always want to take my next breath. But there was something inside of me that felt like a whisper, a spark of hope that didn’t even feel like my own.
Ash’s final words to me were the driving force behind that small whisper. He was the sliver of hope in a world of despair.
Just stay.
Maybe currently I didn’t want to stay for myself; I wanted to stay for others.
I didn’t want Lorelai to grow up without a mom and a sister.
I didn’t want Dad to have to bury his child before he left this earth.
I didn’t want Uncle Landon to blame himself.
I didn’t want Ash to feel as if he couldn’t save me the same way he couldn’t save Rian.
And I didn’t want Ellie to feel as if she was the cause of myfinal straw. I didn’t know where she was or what she’d been doing, and I felt a heavy level of guilt from knowing she left because of me. I found a letter slid under my bedroom door, but I hadn’t yet found the guts to read her words. I was certain she’d blame me for my stupid mistakes. I was afraid of how much I’d let her down with how mean I’d been.
There were a lot of people I didn’t want to let down, but more than anything, I didn’t want Mom to feel as if I didn’t give life a real chance. I knew she’d be sad if she knew I didn’t live my life to the fullest. I wanted to see her. I wanted to be reunited with her, but first I had to live a little bit more. She’d want me to do exactly what Ash wanted me to do. She’d want me to stay.
Ash checked in with me each day. Sometimes, we couldn’t talk much, but we always communicated somehow. We had three rules that we agreed to follow with our long-distance friendship. Rule number one: When our days were good, text messages were enough communication. Rule number two: On bad days, we had to have a phone call, even if it was short. Rule number three: On the worst days, we had to FaceTime.
I always answered his FaceTime calls right away. He always answered mine, too.
I missed seeing him in person, though. It amazed me how quickly Ash became my favorite person in the whole world. I missed his voice, his laughs, his smiles. I missed his corny jokes and how he’d always walk slowly with me.
I missed... him.
When Christmas morning arrived, Grandma Claire and Dad opened gifts with Lorelai and me. After eating an early breakfast, because Lorelai just had to open gifts before the sun came up, she and I stayed in the living room, playing with a few of her new toys. It still felt sad not having Mom around for Christmas. It was the second one without her, and I stilldidn’t know how to stop missing her. Oddly enough, I missed Ellie, too. More than I was prepared to admit.
Around seven in the morning, Dad walked into the living room with his jacket on and blankets in his arms.
“Where are you going?” I questioned.
