Ash smiled his smile, and oh, how I loved that smile. “I hope time moves fast,” he said.
I quietly prayed the opposite of him. I prayed that time would slow with us exactly where we were: his arms wrappedaround me, and his eyes locked with mine. I’d dream of playing this moment—this, here and now—in slow motion forever.
I loved how he looked at me, as if he truly saw me. Not the scars, but the me behind all the flaws and imperfections. He would never consider them flaws, though. He believed my scars were beautiful. He believed it so much that I almost considered it to be true, too. I used to be so insecure when he’d look at me. Now when we locked eyes, I felt as if I were home.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t slow down time.
The moment we let go, I already missed him and his warmth. Maybe that was the difference between what I felt with Brian versus Ash. Before that awful party, whenever Brian would speak to me, it felt like fireworks. Big booms of excitement in my gut that faded the second he looked away from me. They were random and short-lived, and then I felt left in the darkness. Yet Ash was more like a fireplace: constant, steady, and always safe and controlled, with a comforting glow.
I was learning that maybe the kind of love I wanted in life was the fireplaces, not the fireworks.
“Ash?” I called out as he began to walk toward the U-Haul.
He turned to look my way. “Yeah?”
“Text me when you make it to North Carolina?”
“I will.”
“Swear?”
He smiled and nodded. “Swear.”
28Ash
I wanted to stay mad at Maa for having us move, but for some reason I couldn’t. Maybe it was because the moment we drove off in the U-Haul, she began sobbing uncontrollably into the palms of her hands.
As she cried, I realized how much Dad was right. Maa needed me more than I knew. I needed to be there for her. I needed to protect her when life felt too heavy. And I had to be there to wrap my arms around her shoulders and tell her she’d be all right.
I did just that. I wrapped my arms around my heartbroken mother, pulled her into my side, and said, “It’s all right, Maa. We’re all right.”
I hoped one day those words would be true.
***
We made it to North Carolina around four in the morning. I was exhausted and could hardly keep my eyes open. Maa had been yawning for the past four hours. I offered to drive for a bit, but she refused to let me, seeing as how I barely had my driver’s license. She said I drove a little too much like Dad. Which meant I was an awful driver.
Like father, like son.
I missed Dad. It had only been about twelve hours since we’d left Illinois, and I already missed him. He sent me textmessages saying he missed me, too. Along with a list of holiday options for me to come visit him over the next few months.
We stayed at my aunt’s house, where she had two bedrooms already made up for us. Maa gave me a side hug as she yawned. I led her to her bedroom and kissed her forehead as she began to fall asleep.
“I’m sorry, Ash,” she said softly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
I didn’t know what she was apologizing for, but I told her I loved her and went to bed.
As I lay in the dark guest bedroom, the ceiling fan swung overhead. North Carolina felt foreign to me. It was too warm outside for December. I missed my bed. I missed my house. I missed my brother.
Rian felt so far away.
I missed... home.
I knew it was too late—or too early, depending on how one looked at four in the morning—but I pulled out my phone and sent a text message to Karla.
Ash:Made it safe. Exhausted. I hope you had a good night, friend.
I then put my phone on the nightstand, turned to lie on my side, and closed my eyes. Within a minute, I heard my phone ding.
