Perri: Me too.
Helix: No to Perri pole dancing. Nic, I’m shopping for poles right now.
Phoenix: I second the no for Perri. You’re too young. Helix, order me and Jordie one too. I’ll Venmo you.
Perri: I’m not a baby anymore! I can take a pole dancing class if I want.
With trepidation, I scroll up to look at the last text I sent. Sure enough, the words are different from what I typed.
Me: I plan to go have dinner with them tomorrow. I just have to go to the titty bar right after work and then I’ll head over.
Goddammit. What the fuck is going on here? I stand up and walk out of my office. “Ms. Espinoza, where did you get my new phone?”
“At the Apple store, like you asked.” She digs through a folder and hands over a receipt. “See?”
I inspect it. There is, indeed, a charge for an iPhone and case. “And it was a new phone, not a refurbished one or something, right?” I verify.
“Yes, it’s a new one.” She points to her trash can where a rectangular white box sits at the bottom. “Is there a problem?”
“Uh, no. I… I guess I just need to get used to it.” I return to my office, finding the group chat has launched into a discussion about me and my lame-ass love life. They’re trying to find me a date. Fucking great.
Nicolette: What about Sybil from the microbiology lab? She’s cute.
Helix: Babe, Sybil hasn’t brushed her hair since 2016.
Nicolette: We could buy her a brush and some detangling products.
Perri: Oh, what about Ariel from marketing?
Phoenix: No, she always smells like patchouli. Remi hates the smell of patchouli. Jordie, what about Liz from your team?
Jordie: She’s a lesbian.
[Remington Hale has left the chat.]
[Phoenix Hale added Remington Hale to the chat.]
Me: Would you all please stop it? I don’t need help finding a date.
Phoenix: Your pee pee is going to fall off from lack of use.
Perri: Is that really a thing? Do pee pees really fall off if you don’t use them?
Helix: You’re too young to be talking about pee pees.
Perri: No I’m not! Pee pee, pee pee, pee pee.
Me: Could we please stop saying pee pee, for fuck’s sake? And mine is perfectly fine, thank you very much.
Jordie: Ooh, tell us more.
Phoenix: Hey!
Jordie: What? I’m not asking for dick pics. I’m just curious if your brother is getting his wick moisturized regularly.
Helix: I’m voting no because now he’s going to titty bars. Also, moisturized wick? Eww.
Phoenix: I bet it’s one of those high-end clubs with chandeliers and shit where they serve filet mignon and expensive scotch during the show.
