Perri: And all their names are like Mercedes and Crystal.
Nicolette: Not a Cinnamon or Cherry in sight.
Me: Please. Stop. I’m not going to any bars. I got a new phone, and it’s acting weird.
Phoenix: Weirder than a grown-ass man going to a strip club by himself?
Helix: To be honest, I think it would be worse if he went with a group of friends. I’ve never understood men who plan bachelor parties at a strip club.
Phoenix: It is giving circle jerk vibes. Rem, is that what this is? A circle jerk situation?
[Remington Hale has left the chat.]
[Phoenix Hale added Remington Hale to the chat.]
Phoenix: Stop leaving. You’re obviously having some kind of mid-life crisis, and we’re here to help you.
Helix: I’m not doing a damn circle jerk. I don’t care if he is my brother.
Me: Jesus fucking Christ. Listen to me, assholes. There is no circle jerk and no titty bar. I told you I got a new phone, and it just keeps typing this random shit.
Nicolette: Can you run over to the lab, and I’ll take a look at it?
Me: Sounds good.
As soon as I type that, the entire chorus of Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” appears in place of “sounds good.” Like, theentirechorus from the first “never” to the last “you.”
Phoenix: Bruh, did you just Rick roll us?
Me: Fuck my life. Nic, I’m on the way.
Twenty minutes later, my sister-in-law is laughing her ass off while she scrolls through some settings on my phone. “Oh my god, this is genius. Please tell me you typed ‘I would love to’ at some point today?”
“No, I didn’t, but I did tell Auburn Bouvier that I liked to wear pink panties and dance the lambada with my blow up doll,” I say dryly. I wait until they’re done cracking up. Helix can barely breathe, and Nicolette has to remove her glasses to wipe tears from her eyes. “Why? What would have happened if I typed that?”
“It would have come up as ‘I once put toothpaste in my bunghole.’” She holds her stomach and belly laughs. Again. Helix joins in.
I wave my hands around in frustration. “But why is it doing that? It’s a brand new phone.”
Nicolette heaves in a few calming breaths and then bursts into giggles again. I glare at her until she composes herself. “Sorry, but this is the best thing I’ve ever seen. You know how you can alter yoursettings so if you type ‘OMW,’ it automatically types ‘on my way’ for you?”
“No, I’ve never used that. I just text whatever I want to say.”
“It’s like a sort of shortcut when texting. It’s called predictive text, and someone has been messing with yours.” She hands my phone over with a grin. “I fixed it for you.”
“Mindy,” I mutter. “She went and picked up my phone for me.”
Nicolette howls with laughter. “Oh my god. I think I have a girl crush on her.”
My brother chuckles too. “I don’t blame you one bit. That’s fucking diabolical. Mad respect to Mindy.” He winks. “Might want to watch your ass around that one.”
“Yeah, no shit,” I reply. I give my sister-in-law a quick hug. “Thanks for your help.”
By the time I’m riding up the elevator in the main office building, I’m beginning to see the humor and the absolute genius of the prank my assistant pulled on me. I’ve been a bit of a dick today, so I can’t say I didn’t deserve it. I snicker into my hand once more in the hallway and then school my features.
As I pass by Mindy’s desk, I pause only long enough to say, “Well played, Ms. Espinoza. Well played.”
I’m pretty sure I hear her laughing as I close the door behind me.
