Auburn: Like I said, no judgment. You do you, boo. By the way, were you aware Bouvier now has a lingerie line?
The asshole sends me a link to a pair of pink panties with white polka dots and lace trim.
Me: Fuck off. Also, are you really charging a hundred bucks for a pair of panties?
Auburn: They are of exceptional quality. You should try them. They’ll be very soft against your manly bits.
Me: Could you please, for the love of all that’s holy, never say “manly bits” to me again?
Auburn: I thought we were bonding. You know, since you’re sharing all your kinky proclivities with me.
Me: Please stop.
Auburn: Quick question. Is Margarita the deluxe model with the action mouth?
Me: I’m going to switch all your golf balls with range balls before the tournament.
The fucker sends me more links to panties.
The next few hours pass without incident. I reply to a few text messages, but nothing odd happens, and I relax.
Then Phoenix sends a message in the family group chat, which consists of all the Hale siblings and their wives.
Phoenix: Has anyone checked on Dad today?
Perri: I went by at lunch. He was eating a salad with grilled chicken.
Nicolette: He hasn’t had any more signs or symptoms?
Perri: Nope. He looked great. Mom said he has a follow-up appointment with the neurologist next week.
Helix: See if they want Nic to go with them. Since she’s a medical doctor, she can help decipher all the medical jargon.
Nicolette: I’d be happy to.
My sister-in-law is absolutely brilliant. She has dual doctorate degrees in biochemistry and medicine, and she did a residency in dermatology, making her the perfect fit to run a cosmetics laboratory.
Me: I plan to go have dinner with them tomorrow. I just have to go home right after work and then I’ll head over.
The replies come in fast, one after the other.
Perri: Well that’s something I never wanted to know about my brother.
Phoenix: Which bar?
Helix: Bruh. There are ladies in this chat.
Jordie: As the founding secretary of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, I’d like to lodge a formal protest.
Phoenix: I love your tits, babe.
Jordie: Thanks, hubby.
Perri: See if they’re hiring. I’ve got to move out of Mom and Dad’s house before I scream.
Nicolette: I’ve been thinking about taking a pole dancing class. Who else wants to go?
Jordie: I’m in.
