What am I supposed to say to that? That I just changed my mind? That only a few hours ago, I actually began to believe in love?
Shit.
Elina's facial muscles tighten. "That's it. From now on, there are no more men for both of us," she says, clenching her fists.
I swallow hard, unsure of what to think or feel anymore. Before me sits living proof of what I've learned the hard way throughout my life. That relying on a man can only lead to loss. How could I have forgotten that?
"Fortunately, we have each other," Elina adds, to make matters even more complicated. "I can always count on you."
I bite my lip as tears well up in my eyes. "That's true." My gaze wanders over the tissue graveyard surrounding us.
Chaos reigns within me. I can't gather a single coherent thought; I feel frozen. Every ounce of reason argues against a relationship with Josh. But no matter how many arguments my mind presents, I can feel so clearly that my heart wants none of it.
***
Tired from the short night and the internal struggle my heart and mind have been engaged in since this morning, I arrive at the university hours later.
The grand sandstone building stands before me, with its venerable pillars. The entrance gate is wide enough for a truck to pass through, and the tall trees sway in the wind. I brush my hair out of my face and look up.
A storm is approaching.
The clouds are thickening, pressing together, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear the first thunder soon.
I should go inside. Not just because of the weather. In exactly twenty minutes, my exam begins. I have no idea how to focus on biology as of now. What hashappened in the past twelve hours has been too much. Nobody could write an exam now.
I only have three attempts in total, and I'm only allowed to take two of them in written form. The final chance is an oral examination by a committee. Something I will undoubtedly fail at.
I still have the option to back out. To turn around, run away, and do something else with my life.
Something that comes easier to me. Something that requires less effort. Something where failure wouldn't hurt so much.
The pressure on my chest intensifies. I hastily reach into my handbag and search for the music box. My fingers brush over the uneven surface of the lid, where the colorful stones are set.
Whenever you're sad. And whenever I'm not with you. Whenever you stray from your path. And whenever you're lost. Open this music box. Listen to the music. And remember that you are the greatest miracle of all.
As I hold the box tightly in my hand, I want to take it out of my bag. I want to open it and find solace in its melody. Not just because of the exam anxiety but also to end the internal battle within me. But I simply can't. The memories are too painful. The panic of never being able to escape what is hidden inside the box gnaws at me.
A thunder rumble makes me flinch. The first raindrops find their way onto my hair, and a gust of wind tugs at my skirt. It's time to go, but my legs won't move.
Only those who are brave reach their goals, my father whispers as if I haven't already realized that I'm standing at a crossroads.
Today is the day when I alone decide whether I come closer to my dream or I am cowardly. And just because of that, I lose because I never even try.
"You can do it." Josh's words from yesterday are unfathomable as they escape my lips. Yet they are exactly what I need to finally start moving.
With determination, I pass through the university's atrium and climb the impressively wide staircase to the first floor. As I walk, I wipe my clammy hands on my skirt, but they immediately become moist again. Upon reaching the top, I make a sharp right turn and come to an immediate halt.
I can't believe what I see.
Josh and Sophia stand hand in hand, waiting for me among a group of people whispering excitedly in front of the examination room.
"There she is!" The little curly head jumps up and down with enthusiasm. A boundlessly endearing smile spreads across Josh's face.
He shouldn't be here. It only makes everything more complicated.
While I approach the two, images of Elina's tear-streaked cheeks flutter through my mind. Torn inside, I finally stand in front of them, completely clueless about what I should do. Josh reaches out his hand, his touch grazing my upper arm, soft and warm. A tingling sensation starts at that spot and spreads throughout my entire body. I don't even want to do anything to stop it.
"We came to cheer you on." Once again, it's Sophia who, with her lively nature, saves the situation for me, at least.
