“You’remy favoritetravel buddy.” He winks before pulling me onto his lap. He cups my face, kissing me gently until I open my mouth and deepen it. “This is what I’m talking about. How am I going to go weeks without your lips?” He drops his forehead to mine, his arms wrapping around my waist. “Why don’t you come with me?”
“What?”
“Come with me. You can work from anywhere. Why not travel with me?” His face lights up at the idea as if it solves all his problems. “That’s perfect. You can travel with me. We can spend every day together, no matter where I am. I’ll have to make some calls, but it shouldn’t be a problem for you to join me. Why didn’t I think of this sooner?”
“Hold on,” I say, stunned by what he’s suggesting. I place my hand on his chest, his heart racing. “Are you being serious?”
“Hell, yes. Having you on the road with me is the perfect solution.”
“Jake…I have a job.”
“I know. One that you can thankfully do from anywhere.”
“Technically, yes. But it doesn’t mean I’ll be allowed to do it, or that’s whatIwant to do.”
“Why not?” The excitement disappears from his face, his mouth tightening, shoulders drooping. “Do you not want to come with me?”
“Of course I want to spend as much time with you as possible, but I have responsibilities, too. My own career to think about. I can’t drop everything to follow you.”
The air in the room changes as soon as those words come out of my mouth. Jake stands and starts pacing the living room, rubbing the back of his neck in silence. I tuck my legs underneath me, unprepared for what to say or do. Countless thoughts run through my mind as I try to determine what I really meant. I want to be with him all the time, but I also want to be successful in my career. I shouldn’t have to choose between the two.
“What does that mean for us?” He stops, staring at me with his fists balled at his sides. “We’ll both need to make sacrifices for this to work. I thought…” He shakes his head. “I thought we were on the same page.”
“We were. We are. Fuck. I don’t know,” I say, shaking my head as a wave of conflicting emotions roars through me. I’m confident in my love for Jake and his love for me. That’s the one certainty I have. The challenge is everything else. The reality of the obstacles facing us in being together. The countless days and nights we’ll have to spend apart. The scrutiny we’ll face from everyone. The sacrifices and compromises we’ll have to make in our careers. Is that something I’m willing to do?
My heart falls into my stomach as tears pool in my eyes. Does he want me to put my life and career on the back burner for his? He’s promised to make me his top priority, but at what cost? I won’t go back to letting someone else dictate any aspect of my life. And I can’t let him give up everything he’s worked for so we can be together. Shouldn’t it be easier if we’re meant to be?
Jake hangs his head, sitting next to me. He swallows and stares at the ground. “I just realized that we’ve talked about where you fit in my priorities and what I’m willing to give up for us, but I’ve never asked you the same question.” He reaches for my hand, intertwining our fingers, and sighs. “I’m afraid to ask. Worried I won’t like the answer.”
Tears fall down my face as my breathing becomes shallow and a physical pain builds in my chest. My heart and brain are at odds, neither wanting the other to prevail. But there has to be a winner. You can’t have it all, no matter how much you want to believe it’s possible. And today…logic and self-preservation win.
fifty-six
The room is eerilysilent except for the hum of the ceiling fan and our labored breathing. Time seems to stop as if it knows what’s coming.
“I love you, Jake. With my entire heart,” I say, tears streaking my face.
“I love you, too, Kate. You’re my whole world. Nothing else matters without you in my life.” He presses a kiss to our joined hands, holding it against his lips for a few extra seconds.
“But I can’t reorganize my life around yours. I can’t pick up and go on a whim, no matter how much my heart wants to.” I cover my eyes with my other hand as the tears fall faster and harder. I feel queasy, like I might start dry heaving at any moment. I don’t want to do this. I look at the ceiling, biting my lower lip hard, inflicting the pain as punishment for letting myself get in this situation. Falling so deeply for him that saying goodbye will emotionally wreck me beyond repair.
He nods, staring straight ahead as his hands tremble. “We can figure something out. I’ll tell Jason I can’t leave immediately. Make him find another solution.” His voice is full of pain and desperation, a willingness to do anything to preventthe inevitable. “I can pull back. Take an extended hiatus. Stay in Chicago with you longer.”
I turn my body to face him, gently directing his chin in my direction, and I lose it when our eyes meet. Watching my best friend hurt is devastating; being the one to break his heart is soul-crushing.
“You can’t do that,” I sob, shaking my head. “I won’t let you. You’ve worked too hard for too many years to throw any of it away. And I’ve let other people’s wants and needs influence my decisions for too long, and I promised myself I won’t do it again. I have to pick myself, even if it means breaking my own heart.”
“I see,” he whispers, tears flowing from the corner of his steel-blue eyes. Every drop stabbing another dagger in my heart. “Tell me what to do to fix this, Kate, and I’ll do it.”
“You can’t.” I shrug, pressing my lips firmly together. “When we’ve talked about the future, we always danced around the topic of where we’d live, and how we could make your travel schedule work. We never landed on a solution. Assumed we’d figure it out one day.” I let go of Jake’s hand, wiping away my tears and letting out a deep breath. “One day is here. You deserve to have someone by your side every day, and so do I. The problem is I’m not ready to give up what it’ll take to make that happen.” I shake my head, placing a hand over my heart. “We lead totally different lives in different states. If there were an easy way to solve this, we would’ve found it by now. We’ve just…been caught up in the fantasy of what this could be instead of facing reality.”
“Please don’t do this, Kate,” he begs, his eyes piercing into my soul and chipping away at my resolve.
If I stare at him long enough, I’ll give in. Let go of my newfound independence and wrap my life around his. Conform to his needs and wants, even if he’s not asking me to. It’s too much of a habit ingrained in me for it not to happen.
He cups my face, gazing into my eyes with a mixture of pain and determination. “We’ll find a way to be together, Kate. I love you,” he whispers, his breath hot on my skin. His lips find mine, kissing me slowly and softly until morphing into unrelenting and passionate, like he’s trying to meld our bodies together. Fuse us into one so we can’t ever be apart. If only that were possible.
His hands roam under my shirt, lightly stroking my rib cage as he deepens our kiss, his tongue dancing an intricate tango with mine. My brain is screaming at me to stop what we’re doing, reminding me that the more of my body and soul I give him, the worse it will hurt when I have to let him go. My body refuses to listen. Practically pleading for him to lick, suck, and fuck us. For one more night together. To experience the bliss only he can provide.
