What the hell is happening? How did he so effortlessly diffuse my mom? She was headed down the path of lecturing me on the multitude of ways I’ve disappointed her, and now she’s given me a tiny compliment. This has to be a dream, or I’m in an alternate reality where my mom acts like a normal person. She never praises me unless it’s a backhanded compliment.
Catching Jake’s gaze, I place my hand over my chest and mouth, “Thank you,” to let him know how much I appreciate what he’s done. My body starts to relax, releasing the tension building during my mom’s line of questioning. I close my eyes, soaking in a few seconds of peace, celebrating that Jake stood up for me without being asked. It’s been a really long time since that happened. Years, probably. Jake was the last person to do it, more than fifteen years ago.
I haven’t reconciled having Jake back in my life. There are moments like this when it feels like we’ve always been bestfriends and will be forever. My heart is definitely the one to blame for those emotions; it’s always had a soft spot for Jake. My brain, on the other hand, likes to remind me that Jake stopped returning my calls without any reason. How many times I cried myself to sleep, knowing I’d lost my best friend, not understanding what I did wrong. How many times I asked Judy for an update on his life, only to find out she didn’t know much. How much it hurt to learn he rarely asked about me.
Now he’s back in town, acting as if we can get back to how we used to be. There are times when I want to forget the pain he caused and enjoy being part of his life again, embrace our friendship, and believe he won’t do that again. Then there are times when I want to scream at him and force him to tell me why he cut me out of his life. But I won’t. At least, not anytime soon. I prefer to avoid confrontation. Plus, I’m terrified the answer will be what my worst fears have always assumed—I didn’t matter enough.
Lounging on my childhood bed, I’m in the cutest pair of PJs I packed, waiting for Brian to answer my FaceTime call, and playing with the ends of my hair. Normally, I’d have my hair in a topknot at this hour, but I left it down, cascading over my shoulders as Brian prefers. I also delayed removing my makeup to ensure I’m looking my best.
It’s been almost two weeks since I saw him and several days since our last call. He’s been so busy at work that he’s never available when I am, and it takes hours or even a full day to get a response to my texts. He’s never been quick to respond to me, but this feels different. Maybe I never noticed it before because I’d see him every night when he stayed at my place.
No. I would’ve noticed…right?
I bite my lower lip, tempted to scroll through our previous text conversations from before the accident, but then Brian’s face pops up on the screen.
“Hey, beautiful. It’s so good to see you,” he says, adjusting the angle of his phone. The tone of his voice is deep, confident, and soothing. “I’ve really missed you.”
I squint, trying to make out his surroundings because it’s extremely dark. “I’ve missed you. Can you turn on a light? It’s hard to fully see your face.”
“Sure.” He leans over to turn on a lamp, illuminating his face and making it clear he’s at the office even though it’s 10 p.m.
“Oh…I didn’t know you would still be at work,” I say, trying to hide the disappointment in my voice and on my face. He tends to be distracted when he’s working, so I intentionally scheduled a time when I assumed he’d be home. Sent a calendar invite and everything because it’s been so hard to get his attention lately.
“It’s tax season. You know how it is. Late nights. Long weekends.” He holds his phone toward his face, and his eyes focus on something to the left of the screen. Probably his monitor.
“Is this a bad time to talk? I wanted to discuss wedding plans and get your feedback before I make any decisions.” I stare intently as the tapping of his keyboard starts in the background. Exactly what I worried about… He’s not focusing on our conversation. “I can call you back if now doesn’t work.”
“It’s fine. Just got a lot to do. What do you need?”
Am I going crazy? Did I not just explain that I wanted to talk about wedding planning? I shake my head, look up, and take a deep breath. “We’re supposed to talk about the wedding.”
“I’m fine with whatever you want.” He adjusts the phone, shifting his gaze to look at me. “Why don’t you go ahead and make all the decisions without me? I’m swamped and trust you.Plus, Chelsi and our moms can always weigh in if you need advice.” His brows furrow, and a slight frown appears as his eyes dart to the side, clearly focusing on his screen again.
“Oh…okay. I guess I can do that. I was hoping we’d do it together,” I reply, trying to mask the vulnerability in my voice. I love knowing he trusts me, but I envisioned planning our weddingtogether. Would things be different if I were in Chicago?
“The same thing would’ve happened if you were home. My focus has to be on work.” He looks back at the camera, wincing. “Speaking of, I’m not going to be able to take any time off to come see you for the next couple of months. I’m really sorry. Work has to come first. I’m in line for a big promotion and can’t disappoint my dad. I know you understand.”
I nod and swallow. “I get it. I know how important work is to you. To both of us. I’ll figure it out.”
“That’s my girl. You focus on your mom and planning our wedding. I’ll earn this promotion. We’ll be back together in no time,” he says with a slight smile. “I’d better go. Have a ton to do before calling it a night. I love you.”
“I love you.” I start to blow him a kiss as the FaceTime abruptly ends. My shoulders sag as my eyes sting with tears.
I shouldn’t be upset about him concentrating on his career. His work ethic and dedication are attributes I love about him. Some of the few things we actually have in common. It’s just… I thought everything would change after we got engaged. Hoped he would put in more effort, especially around planning our wedding. Make time for the start of our marriage. Maybe I’m putting too much emphasis on the wedding when I should focus more on our marriage. Isn’t that what people say? Marriage is more important than the wedding. The wedding is a day. Marriage is a lifetime.
Things will be different once we get married. He’ll invest more time in our relationship once we’re fully committed. I just need to be patient and understanding until I’m his wife.
I slowly nod multiple times, trying to convince myself this is merely a stage and to ignore the persistent gnawing sensation in my gut whenever I talk to him. Everything seems harder because we’re apart.
I wipe away my tears, take a few deep breaths, and pull my hair into a bun before calling Chelsi. Unlike Brian, she answers after the first ring.
“Kate! I’m so glad you called. How are you doing?” she says, appearing to sit cross-legged on our couch, wearing her oldest and comfiest pair of PJs. “Why are you wearing makeup this late? Did you have a late-night video call for work?”
“Umm…no.”
“Hmm. Usually, your makeup is off, and you’re in comfy PJs like me after you get home. The only exceptions are date nights and late-night work calls, when you’re wearing a business casual sweater with yoga pants and slippers.”
I let out a small laugh at how well Chelsi knows me. Being roommates was one of the best decisions I made as an adult. She’s been my best friend and sounding board for years.
