It’s too early in the day to drink, but my head is too fucked up to go home and do nothing. And what else is there to do? Walk the fucking Chicago Riverwalk? No thanks.
There aren’t many people here, which is exactly what I need. There is no music playing. The volume on the TVs is louder than usual, a few guys listening to the highlights from last night’s football game.
“Which is why we’re day-drinking.” I take the last mouthful of my beer and put the empty glass on the bar top, trying not to think about the last time I was here… when I met Miles.
“Not that I’m complaining, JJ, but why didn’t you call Nash?”
“He’s busy.”
“With work? Or is it something else?”
The bartender comes over and AJ asks for two more beers. She pours them right away, giving AJ a flirtatious look, which he ignores—the way he ignores most people. AJ might be one of the only people I know who is more anti-social than I am. Which is probably why we only grab a beer like this when one of us feels like shit.
“He’s moving,” I say, taking my full glass of beer and draining half of it.
“Moving? Where to?”
“New York.”
“Fuck.” AJ grabs his beer. “Why?”
“Took a new position. Homicide or something.”
AJ carefully sets his glass down after taking a mouthful, glancing up at the television screen before he looks at me in question. “So, when’s he going?”
“January.”
AJ nods, continuing to look at the screen, but I note the way his shoulders hunch.
“You two have a fight or something? That why you called me instead of him?”
His words shouldn’t make me feel bad. I know he doesn’t mean it the way it sounds, but for some reason, it hits me hard. Because he’s right. Usually I don’t call him to talk about my personal life. AJ doesn’t ask questions because he knows better. Nor does he blatantly call me out on my shit like my brother—because he knows I’d call him out on his.
“No, we aren’t fighting. And I’m not mad, I just don’t want to bother him. He has shit going on, and honestly, he’s heard this a hundred times already.”
I’m starting to wonder why I’m here at all, talking to him. I don’t want to talk about this shit. Though, maybe I do. Maybe I need another perspective on this situation.
I know how I feel—torn and confused.
Nash has made his opinion on my life obvious from day one. He never hid the fact he didn’t like my husband, though he always had these “It’s not that I don’t like him,” type of comments. Then he’d go on to list all the things he didn’t like about Franklin.
To be fair, he was never wrong. But Franklin is my husband and marriage is about balance… give and take. It just seems like I’m the one who’s always giving and he’s always taking.
How long has it been like this? Always? Day one? Or did it happen as time went on and we started to fall apart? It’s hard to remember. It’s been so long that those early years are foggy and seem not real.
“I need your opinion,” I say quickly, reaching for my beer. The glass is cold in my hand, something that keeps me grounded. If I ever feel like I’m flying off the edge, I just splash some cold water on my face. Drink ice cold water. Hop in a cold shower. It snaps my brain back into place. Problem is it never lasts long.
AJ and I are on our third beer, and I’m starting to feel it. Though, that’s probably because I’m tired. I’ve been sleeping like shit. I also haven’t eaten much.
“Okay,” he says carefully.
I sigh. “Look, you’re one of the only people who knows about Franklin.”
AJ pulls his attention from the screen and looks at me almost sympathetically, which I hate. This is why I don’t talk about this stuff with anyone. The only reason AJ even knows aboutmy fucked up marriage is because I admitted it to him when I was drunk—after Franklin had told me he didn’t care about me hooking up with other guys. I felt like I had to prove a point, I guess. That I didn’t care, either. I thought hooking up with AJ would make it better somehow, hurt less, maybe? I don’t know. He was my first hook-up while married but certainly not the last.
“Been a long time since I heard that name on your tongue,” he says, though his tone isn’t judgmental like it probably should be, and maybe that makes the next words easier to say.
“I think I need to get a divorce.”
