Could this be it? Maybe. But it’s too little, too late. This was too big of a thing for me to ignore, and maybe had he not reacted so aggressively, then I’d still be there right now.
Had he not snapped at me for looking at his phone and instead talked to me about what was going on so I could understand, maybe we could have figured it out.
His reaction was not only hurtful but a little scary. Not for a second did I think he was going to hurt me, but his tone… I didn’t like it. He was angry at me for something I didn’t even do. That’s not okay.
My phone starts to ring. I pick it up and see it’s JJ. I watch the call until it stops, and my screen goes dark. Then it starts up again. My thumb twitches to swipe and answer, because even though I’m upset and this isn’t really a break-up—because we weren’t together—it feels like it. It hurts like it. It’s no secret I have feelings for this man, and maybe that’s stupid, but I kind of couldn’t help it.
When the call ends and starts up again, I swipe it to send it to voicemail because talking to him is the last thing I need. Then I put the phone down and take a shower. I think over my options—ignore him or talk to him.
Ignoring doesn’t work. I tried that tactic with Derek, and it caused months of problems. Guess I should try the other option.Tell JJ the truth. Be honest. Tell him how I feel. What’s the worst that could happen?
When I’m out of the shower and dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, I compose my text in a note to get it right before copying and pasting it into our text thread. Once it says delivered, I shut my phone off and crawl into bed.
Morning comes too soon. I have no energy to go to work, but as an adult with bills, I have to. It’s probably best I get out of the house, anyway. Lying here and wallowing won’t do my mental health any favors.
As I get ready for work, I realize that I’m not only upset over JJ. It’s the whole situation.Mysituation. The fact I’m getting older and admitting I’m ready to settle down, yet no one else around my age seems to feel the same way. JJ said he did, yet… that was a lie.
I’m going to miss him. We had fun, and the sex was great, but more than that… I just wish I could find someone who wants the same things as me. He did. He said he did, but now I don’t know if I should believe that. That’s what’s hitting me hard this morning. I feel doomed. And I’m not in the mood to talk to the one person I normally would talk to, because I can’t handle the way she handles it.
When I’m finished getting ready, I go downstairs and sit with Audrey and Noah as they eat breakfast. Audrey offers some to me, but I decline, not in the mood to eat. I think if I did, I’d be sick. She keeps giving me concerned glances, and though I’ve told her I’m fine, I’m sure she knows exactly what’s wrong. Thankfully, she doesn’t comment on it.
Noah and I leave for school. He asks if we can go by the firehouse, but we really don’t have the time. He couldn’t find one of his shoes, so we left later than normal.
“Sorry, bud. No time today.”
“Can you ask your friend when we can go by again?” he pouts.
A pang hits my chest. “Yeah, sure.” My voice is raspy and I have to clear my throat, but it does nothing to help the tightness.
I go through the day in a fog, just focused enough that I’m making sure the kids are safe and doing what they need. Sheila knows something is off when she comes over and I tell her it’s a headache.
“You get headaches a lot,” she says.
“Can you blame me?” I gesture to the kids.
She laughs and doesn’t bring it up again.
Audrey isn’t working today, which I’m grateful for… but then also feel guilty for because I love Noah, and I shouldn’t want tonotbe with him. But I just want to be alone.
I change into pajamas, my stomach hurting from not eating all day, but the thought of food makes me want to throw up. I stare at my phone, wondering if I should text him.
And say what? I didn’t do anything I’d need to apologize for.
Should I apologize for looking at his phone?
No, definitely not. I didn’t do it on purpose. I won’t apologize for that. And because of that, I have nothing to say to him. I told him not to talk to me anymore, and if he listens… well, I guess that says a lot.
I’m not one to play games, but if this meant anything to him, even just a little, he’d try to reach out even though I told him not to, right? He wouldn’t listen to methatmuch… right? Should I not have said that? I didn’t mean it.
I mean, I did. But I didn’t meanforever. Maybe like a week or a few days.
Should I have said I need space instead? To give me a few days? I can’t go back on my words now. I’ll look weak. And I’m tired of being the weak one in a relationship. So, I guess the ball is in his court. All I can do is wait to see what he chooses.
Chapter 30
JJ
“You’re a fucking peach today,” AJ says, gesturing to the bartender for another beer. I’ve seen her here a few times. She’s young, newer compared to some of the others that have been here for years. I’m not attracted to women, but I can see why the men here fawn over her—she sort of looks like a model.
