“You don’t!”
“Are you sure? Because that’s exactly what was on your face. You were afraid. You were hurting, and it shredded me. I won’t be the cause of that. You’ll hate me. I’ll poison you as your parents have, just in other ways.”
“No.”
“Luke.” I closed my eyes. “I respect you. I admire all you’ve done. I love how you treat me and your easy smiles. And because of that, I won’t be a burden to you.”
“I’m coming out.”
I opened my eyes and blinked, trying to read between his words for the truth of it.
“I am. I-I’ve been making these plans, getting things right in my head first, but I will. I’m coming out.”
“Luke,” I breathed.
“You don’t believe me?”
“I want to.” I waited for more, his claims or proof, but when nothing came, I added, “I want to believe you’re comin’ out to be true to yourself. I want to believe the next time I’m with you and your parents, you won’t stand by while they insult me for things outside of my control.”
“Fuck.” His face paled. “I did that.”
“I’m sorry I brought that up. It’s not why I’m doin’ this. I need a break, I think. I’ve had so much fun with you, but I need time to think about what I’m doing to you.”
Again, he reached for me, with both hands, then dropped them and rubbed his palms on his trousers. “What you’re doing to me? You’re showing me how to live again, how to breathe, how to be me. That’s what you’re doing.”
Pretty words, like my daddy had given Momma. All the chances she’d given my sperm donor to prove he was more than talk. How many had I given Luke? How many more would I?
None.
Our stories weren’t the same, but like her, I would take control of mine.
I stood, and it wasn’t lost on me how similar this was to that night when I walked out on Luke, then dressed as Ashley, and now … Maybe that was when I should’ve made this choice, when I might have saved my heart from shattering.
“You know, it’s true what they say. If you love somethin’, set it free.” I sniffed and wiped my cheek with the back of my hand. “This is me settin’ you free, because I love you too much to keep you in a cage of fear and doubts.”
I swiped at my eyes again, tears and words pouring faster. “I can’t tell you what to do, but I hope you’ll do as you said. I hope you’ll take control of your life and stop lettin’ your parents influence you in the ways you hate. But do it for yourself, Luke. I don’t wanna influence you either. If without me, you still want to come out, to be true to yourself, then you’ll know it’s real, right?”
I tried for a smile, but it only made more tears fall. One dripped off my chin, and a chill settled in my bones.
“ThenI’llknow it’s real,” I whispered.
“Is this an ultimatum? Come out or else?”
I flinched. “And that right there shows me we ain’t on the same page.” I put my hands on the table and leaned closer. “I know I’m young, and I don’t have your Ivy League education, but I’ll dumb thisupfor you. I just told you I loved you, and you didn’t even blink. I just told you I’m rippin’ my heart to pieces for you, and you make accusations. You’re so deep in your head, this’ll end badly for me. So for now, I’m gonna back off. I’ve got to save myself.”
I straightened and stepped away as Luke remained seated, mouth gaping.
“I hope you find the inner peace you deserve. I hope you let the Luke inside you, the one you’ve kept chained and alone, have a chance at life.”
He didn’t stop me when I walked away. He didn’t call out.
He didn’t text me that night or the next day.
Is it really over?my heart screamed.
And in my mind, when reality should’ve said yes, it only bowed its head and turned away, not wanting to admit it either.
Monday 7:52 PM
