I broke. I cracked. I split and let the tears fall.
I shuddered against her shoulder. Taller than her for several years, in this moment, like this, she held me, supported me, swaying from side to side until every part of me I kept so tense hurt to match the pain already overwhelming my heart.
“Wanna talk about it?” she asked eventually.
I nodded against her neck, but it took me a few minutes, a few more choked sobs, until I could tell her: “I’m in love with him.”
“Ash, shh,” she soothed when I cried again. “It’ll be okay, sweetie. Shh, now.”
“I can’t be with him,” I said through hiccups.
“Says who?”
“Me.”
“I’ve never known you to make a poor decision,” she said, immediately supporting my choice.
“Then why does it hurt so much?”
When I quieted, when my eyes were too swollen to cry anymore, Momma led me to the living room. No one was around, so either Ben had made them leave, or we’d been standing in the kitchen for longer than I figured.
Momma wrapped a threadbare quilt around my shoulders. It had been my great-grandmother’s, and we called it thecomforter, like a warm hug from all our family. Momma knewLuke was closeted, so when she settled beside me, I jumped right in with how I wouldn’t be the focal point of that pain.
“That was a hard decision to make, but I agree, it was the right one,” Momma said.
“I don’t want it to be, though.” To my disbelief, my eyes welled up again. “Why won’t he come out?” I asked, knowing there was no answer to be found.
“I won’t even try to guess at that, and I think you know he has his reasons.”
“Stupid reasons,” I grumbled. Childish, but I couldn’t seem to help it. Better to get it out now than when I faced him again. And I would face him. I wasn’t about to break up over text or ghost him. Luke deserved my best, my respect. Luke deserved everything I had to give, the good and the painful.
“Will you give him a choice in this, or are you dead set?”
“I’m dead set, but do you think I should?”
Momma shook her head. “I can’t answer that.” She wrapped her arm around me outside the blanket and tucked me under her shoulder.
“Did I ever tell you why I never married your daddy?”
I shook my head.
“Well, I know it ain’t the same, but there came a point where I had to make a choice myself or give it to him. I loved him, your daddy. He was a fine man, had a determined head on his shoulders, but he was reckless too. He worked hard for every cent he had, but he played too hard, too risky. He promised me the moon, but I didn’t need the moon. He promised me the world, but I didn’t need that either. What I needed was a man who would prove his words, who’d be there when I needed him.
“For too long, I kept giving him the choice. I told him time and time again to follow through, prove his pretty words weren’t just words. I waited so long I got you and Nathan out of it, andI’ll never regret that. But eventually, I decided to take back the choice. I had to do what was right for me, and it wasn’t him.”
Momma kissed the side of my head. “I won’t try to tell you I know what you’re going through. Icantell you I had a hard choice to make, like you do, and when I made it, as tough as it was, I owned it. And because I owned it, because it wasmychoice, it didn’t make it hurt less, but it made it easier to stand behind it. To see it through.”
“Do you miss him?” I asked.
“No. Not at all. He and I weren’t right for each other. At the time, it was hard to see it, but I think everything happens for a reason. Maybe the only point of he and I together was to make you and your brother.” She hugged me tighter. “The world is a better place with you and him in it.”
I grinned and buried my face against her. “Thanks, Momma.”
“You stayin’ the night?”
“Can I?”
“Of course, sugar. You know you can. You know you always can. No matter how old you get, this is home when you need it.”
